Does This Race Make Me Look Fat?
I completed The Boilermaker 15K on Sunday!
Although my ultimate goal was to finish at less than an 11 minute mile pace (which I barely missed), I did finish within my personal “acceptable” goal range.
I trained hard.
I was excited.
I felt great after the race.
I was proud of myself for completing yet another milestone in my running life.
So, why did I let this picture erase every ounce of pride that I felt in myself?
And why did I let this picture wash away all of my hard work and devotion for the past 3+ months?
Oh, the joy of disordered thinking.
My red face was expected–I had just finished running 9.3 miles. What I didn’t expect was to think that I looked like a giant hippo. Yes, I know. I don’t look like a giant hippo. But, for some reason I just could not shake the negative chatter in my mind after I saw these pictures on the 2.5″ screen of my camera.
“Shit.
If I look huge on that tiny screen, just imagine what I look like in real life!”
And, the madness began.
It’s upsetting and rather humbling at the same time. I thought that I was over my eating disorder and body image issues. Then, I see a red-faced race photo, and immediately get geeked out about having huge unruly boobs, being about 6″ taller and 30 pounds heavier than my sister, and having flabby arms. Then, I feel like all of my hard work (both physically and mentally) has gone down the drain.
All it takes is one comment. One moment the night before the race, when someone looks at an old picture and says “wow, you were thinner then!”
Even if they follow up that statement with “and you looked horrible…like a bobble-head!”
It doesn’t matter. The damage is done. My mind is reeling. I’m fat, I’m fat, I’m fat. I’m fatter than I was then. I’m ugly. I’m fat!
Those words will haunt me for days.
Today?
My body feels awesome. No soreness, no knee/calf/leg problems. No post-race pains, gripes or complaints physically.
But my mind. Oh, my mind. My sad, mis-programmed mind. I’m being kind to myself. Being sensible. Eating. Not restricting. Not binging.
That’s the least that I can do for myself right now.
And, because I would really hate for this entire post to be a total downer, here’s some fun…
If you want to watch me cross the finish line (which I think is a really fun feature that they do at The Boilermaker), just click here and then fast forward the video until the race clock is at 1:47:52. Shortly thereafter, I come rolling up on the right side in my teal and white ensemble. Please don’t miss my huge sigh of relief just after I cross the mat. I laughed.
And, I don’t look fat. I look hot, but I don’t look fat.
* Have you joined my Facebook Group yet?
* See how my training is going over here!
* Wonder what I’m eating?
* Everyone loves a giveaway!
Amy
Tuesday, 14th July 2009 at 2:44 pm
Did you check out the legs on that chick on the left? Those are some hot runner legs!
And most people do not look good immediately after finishing a race – the red face is not attractive on most people.
But – you do look strong. And cleavagy. Which in some circles is considered pretty damn attractive! 
Good job on knocking down another distance!
Ali
Tuesday, 14th July 2009 at 3:06 pm
You look great in those pictures. Your popsicle even matches your outfit, girl! Smokin!
I am also formerly eating disordered and have a horrible body image. You need to take the voice inside yourself and silence it. If you take a picture and you don’t like it, you can’t let yourself go nuts over it. Ask someone else how it looks maybe, or just keep to the facts in your head: “Hey, that’s me. And I just ran a 15k. That’s awesome.”
Karie
Tuesday, 14th July 2009 at 3:08 pm
All I have to say is your awesome. Love the outfit. and your sigh at the end. I do that after running only 30 minutes in my back yard. LOL =) there is a tiny hill. Did not even realize it was there until I started running.
Vanessa (Last Night's Leftovers)
Tuesday, 14th July 2009 at 4:20 pm
Dude, I think you look great! AND I like your outfit.
Kelly
Tuesday, 14th July 2009 at 7:33 pm
So, high, been a while. That race sounds like it went great and the recovery is going super.
I used to hate every picture of myself. Until my mom died. Now, that’s all I have of her. My favorites are ones she’d probably kill me for having around, a goofy face, or a profile or some not so flattering outfit…oh well. That’s her, that’s why I love her. I never shy away from pictures now. They’ll be all that’s left some day…
That always comes to mind whenever I see photos of myself I don’t like.
Hope all is well, and I think your outfit is cute.
Shiona
Tuesday, 14th July 2009 at 7:35 pm
I think you looked great at the end. You should be proud of your accomplishments!! Congrats!
RunToFinish
Wednesday, 15th July 2009 at 12:21 pm
You know every once in awhile I think we have all mental set backs…I mean just yesterday I was saying oh you fatty put that cookie down…then I realized you know what it’s one cookie and damn it I am so proud of this body.
so you know it’s ok to have off moments, sometimes it makes you realize what you want and you can focus on that, other times it causes you to reflect on how far you’ve come
gqh
Thursday, 16th July 2009 at 11:15 am
So I’m reading this two days after the fact so I know you’re feeling better today but the thing is these pics are actually pretty good.
Lotta good my saying so NOW does you but … day late dollar short is pretty much the story of MY life, sister!
Craig Shaw
Friday, 17th July 2009 at 4:00 pm
It’s always the same isn’t it! We’re always striving for something better! I know i’ve been there. I used to weigh 16 stone (I’m 5ft 8″) but now i’m down to around 12 and a half and I still think I look fat in photos.
Concentrate on being proud of your achievements cos you can’t really do much about photo’s except maybe smash all the cameras in the world!