I’m not sure if anyone has noticed, because this fact is undoubtedly more important in my world than in any of yours, but I stopped keeping food logs again.
Without going into a whole slew of psycho-babble about the reasons why I’ve decided that I will not be keeping logs right now, the simple answer is that I just don’t feel like it.
I was becoming very stressed out about forgetting to write things down, and I was starting to get nervous if I didn’t eat all of my food groups. It was more thinking than I really needed to do about food, and considering my history, I just think that any situation that causes me to be stressed out about eating is just a bad idea.
I also think that I was eating too much at times just because I “needed” to (according to my log)–not because wanted to.
Being the chronic over thinker than I am, of course this decision leads me down various thought paths:
Why did these food logs work so well for me while I was in treatment, but now they feel more like a crutch to me?
Why wasn’t I concerned about eating all of my food groups back then?
Was I concerned back then but it just already felt normal to me so I didn’t think twice about it?
Eating has come full-circle for me. Again.
I will say that I am happiest food-wise when I don’t have to think about what I’m eating, and I can eat what I want. I guess the eating-disordered voice buried deep my psyche still thinks that I am not sensible enough to make good choices.
Quieting that voice on a daily basis is probably the most difficult part. Some days it’s louder than others. For some reason, keeping food logs is making my ED voice scream at me.
So, I’ll quiet the screaming for now. It doesn’t mean that I won’t fall back to logging, but just for a moment, I’m going to enjoy a little peace and quiet.
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* Wonder what I’m eating?
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