Your Girl Gets EXPOSED.
Settle yourself in for literally my most revealing post yet. I have sat here for the past 3 hours deciding whether I wanted to write this post or not. In the end, I’ve decided that even if I am ridiculed, it will only be in a virtual sense…and it’ll be the equivalent of someone talking behind my back.
I can deal with that.
The alternative of just allowing all of these thoughts the opportunity to swirl through my mind without venting them would probably be more damaging than any potential outcome of EXPOSING myself.
So.
I give you this. MY version of “EXPOSED”. The very thought of hitting “publish” on this post makes my heart beat fast. Makes me have a severe case of sweaty pits. Makes me all shaky.
(Maybe that’s the coffee I just drank in preparation for this post.)
In all of my “recovered” glory, I’ve still been relying upon the same 3 bathing suits for the past 5-6 years. I can also count on 1 hand the number of times that I’ve worn said bathing suits outside of the comfort of my own family. Like many women, I have a bathing suit complex (BSC?). I’ve been considering for the past few months (with vacation and honeymoon fast-approaching) that this is one hurdle that I have not jumped over yet.
I didn’t even approach the hurdle, run into it and knock it over. I’ve just avoided it altogether.
OH, bathing suits! ***shudder***!
As I have in the past, I started to feel like a sham again. I just really hate that feeling, and I have to purge it.
When I went to Everything But Water last night, I didn’t really plan on buying a bathing suit. I didn’t think I’d be trying on 643 bathing suits. In addition, I didn’t think that I’d be ultimately modeling these bathing suits for the whole world to see. The pictures that I took were for my own use, and also to allow My Gazelle to have a vote in the process.
(I know that I shouldn’t care what he thinks, but sometimes we need the opinion of someone other than the girl who is earning a commission on our purchase. Ya know?)
Also on the list of “I didn’t think’s” is the fact that I didn’t think that I would be free of self-doubt while trying on all of those suits. I anticipated at least one dressing room meltdown. But, it didn’t happen.
Oh sure, there were things that didn’t look right on me…but there was no self-loathing or body blocking going on.
Although, I did consider the fact that a touch of Lipo would do wonders for my back fat.
See how that works?
Back fat. I just told you that I have back fat. I’ve spent my life trying to deny the fact that I have back fat, and here I am…telling everyone. The strange thing about the whole “trying on 983 bathing suits” process for me is that last night, I was in the moment and I escaped fairly unscathed.
However, today I want to start a crash diet immediately.
See how THAT works?
It’s evil, this brain of mine.
The only logical (is any of this really ?!LOGICAL!?) way for me to purge myself of this negativity is to just throw it out there into the universe. I’m giving it to the universe because I just don’t want it anymore.
This morning when I made the decision to become an out-of-work bikini model, I also considered only showing you the “good” pictures. However, this would not really be truly EXPOSED, and I would not really be PURGING myself of this negativity if I didn’t show you the good, the bad, and the back fat.
I could sit here and tell you all types of tree-hugger-save-the-world-with-my-blog-post reasons why I’m going to hit “publish” on this post, but really…truly…it’s about me, people. It’s about being able to have the balls to let everyone see me in my most EXPOSED sense (PG-Rated anyway), and not feel like I’m inferior to anyone who is seeing me in all of my bikini’ed glory.
I don’t HAVE to fit “YOUR” cookie-cutter molded version of what “YOU” think I should look like in this bikini. Because your vision is impaired by your own insecurity. Stop projecting on me.
Because I’m pretty fu@k!ng awesome. Back fat and all.
* Have you joined my Facebook Group yet?
* See how my training is going over here!
* Looking for my eBook?
*Check out my body image project!
Claudia
Friday, 26th February 2010 at 12:31 pm
I think you look amazing!!
I love bikini number 2 on you.
Lori
Friday, 26th February 2010 at 12:43 pm
My vote is for that very first suit. I think you look great! I would love to have your legs.
I think it shows how much you have grown to not have any self-doubt or meltdowns in the dressing room.
AMTB
Friday, 26th February 2010 at 12:44 pm
You look hott, mamacita! I love the brown 2 piece! It’s very flattering with you hair color & complexion.
Rose
Friday, 26th February 2010 at 12:50 pm
Go you for posting this!
I was struck by the fact that we have almost the same tattoo in the same place. Weird!
Merry Mary
Friday, 26th February 2010 at 12:52 pm
You look amazing and you are amazing. Thank you for sharing.
Miz
Friday, 26th February 2010 at 12:52 pm
whoa girlie.
Im so proud of you and (UNIMPORTANTLY) your body is badass.
We all expose ourselves daily with our words huh?
and, in a way, they can be more revealing even than the bikinis.
I love #2.
Julia
Friday, 26th February 2010 at 1:09 pm
You look amazing in all of them! My fave bikini is the brown one with the striped ties. I also love the one-piece but I’m a sucker for retro feel one-pieces.
Have a blast on your honeymoon!
Single Ma
Friday, 26th February 2010 at 1:22 pm
You are gorgeous honey! And by the way, I love the striped bikini on you.
Mandy
Friday, 26th February 2010 at 1:23 pm
Meh – everyone has back fat to a certain degree.
You look great!
RunToTheFinish
Friday, 26th February 2010 at 1:25 pm
dang girl you ares super! way to put it out there and I love your thought process!!
Kimberley
Friday, 26th February 2010 at 1:31 pm
You look great in all the pics. I like bikini pic #4 the best but you rock them all!!!
Karie
Friday, 26th February 2010 at 1:37 pm
YOU ARE!!! I love the one piece and # 2. Im proud of you for posting this!
rebecca @ durch dick und duenn
Friday, 26th February 2010 at 2:04 pm
damn girl… you look fine!
and i like #3 the best!
Katie
Friday, 26th February 2010 at 4:27 pm
Look how strong you are!
And I vote for bikini #2, also—I’m a sucker for anything brown!
BUT, if you’re having an Old Hollywood style wedding, that last one would fit right in with your theme!
Ava
Friday, 26th February 2010 at 4:44 pm
Hi,
If you don’t find what you are looking for check out my new shop on Etsy.
http://www.etsy.com/shop/avabelldesigns?section_id=6815019
tfn,
Ava
Chana
Friday, 26th February 2010 at 8:23 pm
I should tell you I hav enot bought a bathing suit without texting photos to my friend Gabe and without bringing Michael ( no one is more honest than your teenage son).
I love the first one and btw – your boobs look gigantic in it! The second bottoms are not as cute but I still like them.
My close second choice the patterned brown one (not the striped) I love that tie that hangs down.
You should buy them both!
Chana
Friday, 26th February 2010 at 8:25 pm
And why is it everytime I post to this blog it makes an ugly mad face? I am responding out of love and support.
joggersl
Friday, 26th February 2010 at 10:28 pm
hahaha…I think it registers your IP address, and gives you the same picture each time. That’s pretty funny. You’d have to upload your own pic now to get it to be anything different. If it makes you feel any better, it doesn’t look anything like you. =)
Marlena
Friday, 26th February 2010 at 11:08 pm
You look good in all of them! I’m not crazy about the last one, though (the purple one). The top is nice but I, personally, am not into frilly stuff.
But hey, I’m not buying it…YOU ARE!! You look great!! I hope you bought them all.
Nicole
Sunday, 28th February 2010 at 12:02 am
Good for you!!! You have bigger balls than me –although neither of us actually has balls but you know what i mean. I vote for the one piece—you look like a 1940s pinup in it!!
tonjatoi
Monday, 1st March 2010 at 12:16 am
How empowering! You look great – wear your new suit w/ pride! I like #1 and #3 the best. I stress about being in public in a swim suit and typically wear a one piece which shows the twins off so well I don’t think anyone looks at my waist or back fat. Your own comfort is what matters. Which did you buy?
Rachael
Sunday, 7th March 2010 at 11:05 am
Hey! I found your blog through twitter (people were talking about the 1/2 today which led me to you p.s. congrats on finishing!) and I love this post. You look awesome (bikini #2 is my fav.).
Yay for being so brave!!
Mishe@Eatingjourney
Tuesday, 6th April 2010 at 10:36 am
You’re amazing. What you’ve overcome is incredible. You’re such an inspiration for people. Hell, I can’t wait to be able to get into a bikini and take photos
Thanks for doing this and thanks for being part of the family.
M
Tina
Tuesday, 6th April 2010 at 2:24 pm
You are inspiring! You look terrific in all photos, but I’m a sucker for a one piece and it looks fabulous on you. Ya gotta give them a little mystery, the neckline is really sexy.
Denise
Tuesday, 6th April 2010 at 4:46 pm
You look AMAZING in the last swimsuit! If you don’t want it, then I’m buying it. Hehehe. Not that I can actually get my hands on it.
Julia
Tuesday, 6th April 2010 at 9:21 pm
#1 and #6 suits are AWESOME, more importantly, you are amazingly beautiful.
Welcome to the “Exposed” movement!
Julia
http://jewliagoulia.blogspot.com
Jessica
Wednesday, 7th April 2010 at 12:15 am
Please tell me you bought the last swimsuit w/ the little ruffles! You look awesome in all of them but that one is sooooo cute!
Cynthia (It All Changes)
Wednesday, 7th April 2010 at 11:13 am
I love the brown striped suit on you.
And I love that you did this for you. I did it for me too so I could see that I had worked hard to get my body in a shape that I could even look at without hating all the time. Congrats on being you!
Rita
Sunday, 11th April 2010 at 10:51 pm
LOVED it! Well said, and go you!