A wedding.

A honeymoon.

(cough) FitBloggin’ (cough cough)

It’s all the same.

No matter how long I’ve been on this “recovered dieter” wagon, I still have the same affliction.  The same burning desire that we have all fed along the way.  We pick an upcoming event, and then we proceed to “get hot” for it.

Some are more diligent about it than others, but we all try.  In the case of some people, this means going on a crash diet, and starving themselves until their hips/stomach/arms/parts have lost the desired amount of jiggle.  For others, it’s just a matter of hitting the gym for a few weeks and ‘toning up’ those areas that cause psychological distress.

Personally: all of the above.

I’d love to shrink my stomach, tone up my thighs, and have the arms of a yogi.  I’d also love to somehow shrink the size of my head/face/large chin/neck so that it doesn’t appear so enormous in pictures.  I mean, I have a big head and all, but sometimes it just looks out of hand.  And can someone please make me instantly more photogenic?  The fact that the camera does not love me actually causes me anxiety in certain situations (vacations, weddings, honeymoons, **cough**FitBloggin’**cough**cough**).

I feel this intense internal need to be “better” than I am right now, so that I can make YOU think that I am even more wonderful than I really am.  Based solely upon how I look.

…Based solely upon how I look.

Not based on the ease by which I laugh with you.

Not based on the way that I listen when you talk.

Not by the candor of my words, or the connection of our conversation.

For me to realize that YOU would find me wonderful based upon these things is not an automatic reaction.  Although I would find YOU wonderful if you showed me these qualities, I do not give myself the same courtesy.

At times like these, I still judge myself based upon the size of my muffin top.  The girth of my posterior.  The size of my chin.  I automatically assume that you will not like me unless my clothes fit me looser.  I don’t think that I DESERVE to be your friend unless my back fat is a little less obvious under my too-tight Victoria’s Secret Wave bra.

Rationally, I know that none of this is true.  I know that regardless of the state of the cellulite on my ass,  you will either like me or you won’t.  It has everything to do with personalities and chemistry and girl power; none of which is related to the dimples on my stomach.  I’ve never heard of anyone who decided not to be friends with someone because their arms were too flabby, or because their ass was too big.  I know that these are not rational thoughts.

Regardless of whether it’s rational or not, it still makes me want to jump off of my “recovered dieter” wagon and jump on board with the ‘next best diet thing’.  I’m not immune to the pressure.  It’s still not easy.

And if I had a scale, I’d probably be weighing myself 5 times today.

Because right now, I want to lose 10 pounds.

Because right now, my bra is too tight to be friends with you.

* Have you joined my Facebook Group yet?

* See how my training is going over here!

* Looking for my eBook?

*Check out my body image project!

When my treatment professionals asked me to put running (and all things exercis-y) aside until my health improved, it felt like such a double-edged sword.  I didn’t want to get ‘fat’, but I also wanted to get ‘better’.  Not to mention, exercise and running were like a crutch to me.  I abused running, so I hated running.  I associated running with all things weight-loss.  But I wanted to lose weight.  But I hated running.  But I wanted to lose weight…

Fast-forward to today: Weight-loss, schmate loss.

Rewind to the year 2007: I view this as the year that I ‘reset’ my life.  I SO wish that I was blogging back then because it would have been so entertaining for everyone to witness.  I finished my ED treatment early in the year, bought my own condo, met my future husband, finalized a divorce (yes, the new man appeared before the divorce was final.  I admit it, I’m a tart), and I learned how to listen to and honor myself and my body.  I wasn’t focused on exercise or weight or even food.

I was focused on learning how to live.

And my jeans still fit me the same in January as they did in December.

It was at that point that I learned a valuable lesson about life: if I’m enjoying my life and living it to the fullest, scales and jean sizes just don’t matter.

On the other side of the coin, I realized that NOT obsessing about it did me as much good as obsessing about it did.  My ‘weight’ (whatever that is) did not change.  Obsessing about calories and exercise was a complete waste of energy for almost THIRTY years.  THIRTY. YEARS.

Then, I felt guilty for essentially WASTING 30 years of my life; consumed with myself and weight loss and dieting and calories.  I felt incredibly selfish, and I started to realize how completely narcissistic the whole thing really was.  I mean really.  Was I really so shallow that I was going to let the way I look continue to be so all-consuming in my life?

Not that the way that I look doesn’t matter to me at all, but to allow something like that to suck the life out of me felt unreasonable and illogical.

After I wallowed in self-pity for a while (not long), and felt confident that I would be able to incorporate exercise in my life as a way to FEEL better rather than LOOK better, I started working out regularly again.  I gradually started to realize that I can have fun and work out at the same time, and it was at that point that I tried running again for the 43,281st time.

This time when I tried running, I was focused on how my body felt.  This time, I was doing it for different reasons.  I felt like I was the boss of my workout (rather than letting ED control it), and running actually felt liberating for a change.

Liberated is a good feeling.

And I’m not complaining about being liberated.

The problem is that it seems like ever since that fateful Christmas Day in 2008, when My Sista convinced me (p.s…that is a link to my first blog post ever) to run The Boilermaker 15K with her in July 2009, I haven’t been able to stop signing up for stuff.

This compulsion to be a “YES-(WO)MAN” is not limited to running.  It has trickled down to all things life-related.

When the ink was barely dry on my Boilermaker 15K registration confirmation page, I signed up for the Frederick 1/2 Marathon (May, 2009), because my friend/master trainer/running coach asked me to do it.  Moments after that, I registered for the Clyde’s 10K because my friend asked me to run it with her.  Then, 47 minutes later, I signed up for The Baltimore 1/2 Marathon, because my sister asked me to.  A millisecond later, I changed my mind and mailed a check to upgrade to the full marathon.*

*(the timing of these actions may have been changed because I’m a drama queen, but the actual events are real)

In the midst of all of this impromptu race training, I was also signing up for Healthy Living Summits, part-time parenting, vacations, getting plastered and enduring embarrassing falls in ladies rooms…you know…living life (and suffering head contusions).

I went from letting my life just kind of ‘happen’ for nearly 30 years to devouring every single opportunity that presented itself.  This was a huge change for me.  You’re dealing with someone who (in my ‘past life’) was too scared to ask a waitress for ketchup.  I was afraid of everything.  And nothing.

As I was making all of these decisions that were uncharacteristic of my former self, I never batted an eyelash.  I seriously didn’t really consider the weight of the fact that I was signing up to do things that I had never imagined that I would ever do in my lifetime.  For someone who is scared to ask for ketchup, even a 15K race is a major accomplishment.

Heck.  Going to a salon to get my hair cut was a major accomplishment back in the day.

Over a two year period (2006-2007), my comfort zone was virtually widened by miles and miles.

Nowadays, I look at goal-setting and life decisions as a normal part of staying happy.  I also look at every challenge as an opportunity to learn something new about myself and my life.  For that reason, I consistently take on more than I can logically handle.  Just when I think that I’ve reached my breaking point (work, school, running, kickboxing, part-time mommying, friends, trips, vacations, freelance work), I say “YES” again, and take on even more.

[sidebar: I haven't done a shot since that aforementioned incident where I played slip-n-slide on the floor of a public restroom...**shudder**gag**]

This year, I’ve made a goal to run one 1/2 marathon (The Disney Princess 1/2 is in 17 days), two sprint triathlons (the Celebration Sprint Tri, and the IronGirl Syracuse), and a full marathon (probably the Marine Corps Marathon).  And go to FitBloggin.  And see another NKOTB concert (at The Borgata on May 28th, woo!).  And plan a wedding.  And get married.  And kickbox.  And take a honeymoon.  And work full-time.  And complete 6 more classes for school.

Do you see where this is going?

Challenge.  Constant, never-ending challenge; but I’m enjoying every moment.

p.s…can someone please point me to a reliable training source for my first triathlon (**panic**faint**cry** drool**snot**snot**)

p.s.s…this post was actually supposed to be entirely about training for my first triathlon, but it went in a completely different direction, and the triathlon training question became a p.s.  This is yet another example in the long list of ‘Proof That I am Flaky’.

* Have you joined my Facebook Group yet?

* See how my training is going over here!

* Looking for my eBook?

*Check out my body image project!

In anticipation of this four year mark, I’ve been very thoughtful lately about my past, where I’ve been, how I arrived there, and how I have come to the place where I am now. And where is this ‘place’ that I’m talking about?

The place is happiness.

The place is peace.

It is a place filled with the knowledge that I don’t need to obsess about every morsel that passes my lips, and the confidence to know the difference between hunger and pain (or hurt or boredom or anxiety).

It is also a place where I trust in my own body to tell me what it needs, and have the ability to forgive myself in advance for any over-indulgences that may occur on occasion.

I no longer live in a state of instability and chaos (inevitably dictated by the number on the scale each morning). Oh, what a total relief THAT is!

Above all, I’m coming from a place of love, kindness, and compassion.

This place was not discovered easily. It took a lot of work, self-doubt and determination. In all truth, much of the time, I faked it till I made it. It’s still not easy at times, and I have my own personal struggles just as anyone with past (or present) disordered eating does. However, the bottom line is this…

PHEW!! I MADE IT!!

This fact makes me no better or worse than anyone else out in the universe. All it means is that I have mostly conquered my challenges, learned the tools to cope in a more positive fashion, and shifted my focus to the things that really matter to me.  And, you can trust in the fact that I still have my struggles.  Oh boy, do I ever!

Clearly, I’m still learning. Isn’t that what life is all about though?

I am learning all the time. The tombstone will be my diploma.  ~Eartha Kitt

The important thing is that I’m not acting out negatively as a result of my challenges.  I have built a very nice support system in my friends and family, and I have been blessed with a future husband who looks at my past history with ED as a minor speed bump.  Sometimes, I wonder why he doesn’t worry about the possibility of a relapse on my part; I know I’m strong most of the time, but how does he know that I’m strong too?  When I feel so weak at times, how can he still have faith in my recovery?

In truth, knowing the fact that he believes in me and my recovery is what gets me through many of these difficult times.  The knowledge that relapse would not only let me down on a personal level, but it would also let him down (and inevitably damage the dynamic of our relationship).  This is just not a sacrifice that I’m willing to make.

Along with the other supporters in my life, he has taught me that without a solid foundation, you cannot stand tall.  Sometimes my support comes from my blog friends, twitter friends, family, and real-life friends…but the point is that I can’t always do everything on my own.

With that in mind, I have spent the past year  seeking out ways that I could help other people who are already in a state of recovery, or those who are trying to ultimately reach a decision to enter recovery.  I’ve reached out to struggling people individually through Facebook, Twitter, email, and blog comments.  I created Letters To My Body as a way for people to submit anonymous ‘Dear Body’ letters.  All of my efforts have been met with mixed success, as anything in life is.  The one thing that is certain is that I’ve developed some very solid relationships on the basis of ED recovery, and helped out where I could.

And I have again reinforced the fact in my mind that we are only as strong as our support team.

I decided that I needed a more structured way to reach out and help others in their path to recovery.  I want to make a difference in another person’s life the way that my support team made a difference in mine.

I made a connection with Shannon Cutts through Facebook.  Shannon is an ED survivor, and wrote the book Beating Ana: How to Outsmart Your Eating Disorder and Take Your Life Back.  I read several books while I was in treatment, and I recently read Shannon’s book with a totally different mindset, since I’m recovered at this point.  This book was as helpful as a recovered person as it probably would’ve been when my ED was in full swing.  I highly recommend this book, not just for people who are diagnosed with an eating disorder, but also for those who struggle with disordered eating in general.

After connecting with Shannon on Facebook, I learned that she has started her own network of eating disorder resources, including a mentorConnect program  that allows recovered individuals to act as mentors to those who are still in recovery.

I decided to join the program, and I am so excited and proud.  I have made it to a point in my life where I can be a mentor to someone else who is in the same situation as I was in for so long.  Although I have technically been recovered for quite some time, this feels like a milestone…as if it officially seals the deal.

I am recovered, and it feels great!

* Have you joined my Facebook Group yet?

* See how my training is going over here!

* Looking for my eBook?

*Check out my body image project!

Please, if you can spare $30 in your budget, splurge on yourself and wear this phrase.  I can’t explain it, but it creates some sort of batgirlcatwomanjoanjettsuperwomanjemmizfit portal within your workout space.

[don't worry...i was able to peroxidescrub out that pesky dye that came from my new sports bra]

When I initially put this shirt on, I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror, and the idea of walking out into the ‘Meat Market’ that is my gym was horrifying.  Something about the words “I LOVE MYSELF” felt shameful.  Dirty.  Embarrassing.  As if loving myself was a bad thing!

However, armed with confidence, self-assurance, and with the knowledge that I was either wearing “I LOVE MYSELF” or a black Nike sports bra alone (the horror); I walked out of the locker room.

And, to my shock, I was blessed with two smiles on the way out.

And a few more as I walked down the hallway.

And even more when I got to the main workout area.

I was confident and self-assured before, but this warm “I LOVE MYSELF” reception from those around me made me feel…dare I say…confidentER than I was before!

I had a great workout.  I proudly ran, skipped, stepped and milled forward, backwards & sideways–loving myself through every last bit of the sweating and singing and wheezing.  There is something strangely empowering about letting the rest of the world know that you are completely and totally in love with yourself.

It will make you want to kiss your growing baby guns.

Or maybe that’s just me.

* Have you joined my Facebook Group yet?

* See how my training is going over here!

* Looking for my eBook?

*Check out my body image project!

]]> http://www.joggerslife.com/2010/love-love-me-do/feed/ 13 http://www.joggerslife.com/2009/jogging-stroller-or-bust/ http://www.joggerslife.com/2009/jogging-stroller-or-bust/#comments Tue, 15 Dec 2009 18:48:28 +0000 http://www.joggerslife.com/?p=2270 I’ve always considered JoggersLife to be sort of like my own personal diary that a few other people just happen to read.  It is always my intention to help others/incite a riot/evoke passion/give a good belly laugh through my posts, so I think it’s important that as I move onto different things in my life, I share those on the blog as well.

I’m happy if you enjoy, and kind of sad if you’re indifferent, but ultimately, I’ve found the blog to mainly be a great place for me to journal, share thoughts, and it’s also an awesome way to reference back to things in my life that I might forget along the way.  Besides all of these things, I have “met” so many wonderful and truly supportive people along the way.  Love you guys.

I originally started the blog because I made the decision to run my longest race up until that point: The Boilermaker 15K.  That first post on November 18th last year is actually quite a hoot for me to read now.  What a difference a year makes, huh?  From that initial race motivation spawned the decision to run my first half marathon–The Frederick 1/2 (which actually occurred before The Boilermaker), then I moved on to my very first marathon–The Baltimore Marathon.

Along the way, I’ve hurt myself several times, seen my PT more times than I can even recall, been fitted for my own personal pair of orthotics, freaked out about my family history of chronic disease, became a pescetarian, freaked out about food and diets and my history with bulimia (also more times than I can recall).  Now, I’m planning a wedding.

I’ve covered everything with you guys.

And, I may not have specifically expressed it here on the blogola, but one of my life goals was to run a marathon before getting married and having babies.

I ran the marathon.

Soon, I’ll be trying to have babies.

Babies?!

Yes, babies.

Despite my childish good looks and complete lack of wrinkles and crows feet (lie, lie, and lie), I am no spring chicken.  My Gazelle and I will be officially tying the knot on October 16, 2010.

The ceremony will begin at 5PM.

Thirty minute ceremony.

Thirty minute drive to the dinner party.

Eat, drink, and be merry from approximately 7-10PM.

So, I estimate that the conception process will commence at around 10:01PM on October 16th, 2010.

Although I’m probably running the risk of sharing too much on the blog, I do think that these things are important to bring to light.  And I don’t intend on throwing you the “play-by-play”, so you’ll be fairly safe from any unwanted mental imagery.

Fairly.

But, I can’t really make any promises to that effect either.

I’ve been taking synthetic birth control for many years.  I’ve had a history of irregular cycles when I wasn’t on the pill.  It took my sister a long time to get pregnant with my niece.  These things are all at the forefront for me, and I am highly aware of them, but I don’t necessarily think that they preclude me from getting pregnant within a reasonable time frame.  I do, however, plan to take measures so that it will be more likely that we are able to conceive before I reach menopause.

That was a joke.  I know I’m way too young to worry about menopause, and women are having babies into their 40’s now, but personally, I’d like to have my child-rearing done before I hit 40.  You know, by like 39 1/2 or so.

I have done a lot of reading and learning over the past few months.  I’ve also followed Kristen’s story of conception (and her difficulty) very closely, and I have taken her advice very much to heart.

My doctor has recommended that I stop taking birth control ASAP in order for my body to be cleansed of the synthetic hormones well before we start trying to conceive.  To me, this is a huge relief because I hate taking pills/medications of any kind.  The added fact that birth control is technically a synthetic steroid only adds to my neurosis about taking it.

Today, I took my last birth control pill.

And, I jumped for joy.

And, I bought this book.

The whole scenario kind of makes me feel a little bit “tree-huggerish”, but it also feels incredibly good that I’ve made a decision to listen to my body.

Does anyone have experience (positive or negative) with Natural Family Planning (NFP)?  Please do share in the comments!

p.s…I promise to bring a running update soon.  You now, since this is “JOGGERSlife” and all.

p.s.s…I also plan to give you that soup eBook that I promised so very long ago!

p.s.s.s…I also plan to bake massive quantities of cookies between now and Christmas Eve, so look for some new recipes!

* Have you joined my Facebook Group yet?

* See how my training is going over here!

* Looking for my eBook?

*Check out my body image project!

In the sense of Intuitive Eating, nothing is restrictive.

In and of itself, Intuitive Eating is a liberating safety net for those of us who who have wasted countless years of our lives plummeting into diet demise.  Again, and again, and again.

Because they are the genius behind Intuitive Eating, and because these concepts are all entirely built around their genius, I must credit the wonderful Evelyn Tribole, (MS, RD), and Elyse Resch, (MS, RD, FADA).  They have helped so many of us chronic dieters break away from the exhaustive cycle, and I am forever grateful for their book.

That said, here are my ten commandments (nice, happy, smiley-faced commandments) for Intuitive Eating:

I must follow this list with a disclaimer:

Guess what?  Perfect is not an option.  These are my commandments, but I can’t say that I’ve ever personally been struck down by the wrath of all things evil for not following my commandments all the time.

Cough…number two…cough…daily…cough.

Perfect just doesn’t happen in real life, but who cares?  Let’s all be happy with being perfectly imperfect.  It makes us all uniquely beautiful, and it is the reason why people love us.

What are your happy, smiley-faced commandments?

Are you eating intuitively?

This is MY way, but what is YOUR way?

* Have you joined my Facebook Group yet?

* Looking for my eBook?

* Everyone loves a giveaway!

* Have you seen my body image project?

]]> http://www.joggerslife.com/2009/intuitive-eating-my-way/feed/ 5 http://www.joggerslife.com/2009/tweating-disorder-the-new-school/ http://www.joggerslife.com/2009/tweating-disorder-the-new-school/#comments Thu, 22 Oct 2009 09:00:13 +0000 http://www.joggerslife.com/?p=2110

I haven’t stopped smiling since I received this email on Sunday.  No failed boy’s birthday or bout of bursitis could quell my mood.  MizFit offered me a guest-post slot on her site, and I am so stoked!

I love the woman.  I love what she does for healing body image issues, promoting positive lifestyle changes, and I love her tattoos.  I have almost as many, so I can relate.

I gotta keep it real.  After submitting my post to MizFit, I didn’t hear from her for some time.  I obsessed on the reasons why she didn’t want to feature my post, and had anxiety about my horrible writing skills.  Alas, she is just a busy woman, and I am impatient.  Silly me!

I am excited that she decided to use my post, because it concerns body image, eating disorders, and children.  Three of my hot buttons.  Three things that everyone should be aware of.  Three things that are evolving everyday, and people should know.

So, you can go to MizFit’s (awesome) site to read the post there, or just keep reading…

———-

In the U.S., it is estimated that approximately 11 million males and females struggle with the devastating effects of anorexia and bulimia. Another 25 million suffer from binge eating disorder. According to The Alliance for Eating Disorders Awareness, the incidence of eating disorders has doubled since the 1960s, and is increasing in younger age groups—occurring in children as young as seven. Eating disorders often begin during adolescence, and can be related to depression, substance abuse, and suicide.

A few days ago, I reached out to MizFit to discuss this very issue with her.

The topic is fresh on my mind because not only did I begin suffering with bulimia and anorexia at the age of 15, but I have also been doing some research in this area for my website. The conclusion I’ve reached: I am terrified by the number of young people (as well as adults) who are suffering from this spectrum of disorders. I may have been viewing the universe through rose-colored glasses after my own recovery two years ago, but it seems like the epidemic has only become worse.

In the early to mid-2000’s, there was much talk about “pro-ana” websites. I must admit that those are the very websites that helped me become a better Disordered Eater. I learned how to further sharpen my starving, binging, purging, and obsessive exercising skills. I learned about ketosis, and the 2,4,6,8 diet. I learned things that probably helped land me in treatment faster, because it was at that point that I became a “better” Disordered Eater. I also became a sicker person, both mentally and physically.

Parents soon found out about these websites that promoted and taught the principles of eating disorders, and the internet police started cracking down on them. There are still a slew of “pro-ana” websites out there, but individuals need to be invited in. At that point, they can enter the site for endless “thinspiration”. So, the websites still exist, but they screen out the wannarexics, so you just have to be a “better” anorexic or bulimic to join.

The latest trend in Eating Disorder growth seems to be on Twitter. Do you know what your child is Tweeting about? Do the people your children follow encourage low self-esteem and poor body image? Do you child’s Twitter friends talk about ‘GW’ (goal weight), ‘HW’ (high weigh), and state their measurements on their Twitter bio? This is a problem.

Your child could very well be Tweeting for support with their starvation diet, or asking for tips on where to begin their journey through Eating Disorder Hell. Young people latch onto more experienced “professionals”, and they learn the tricks of the trade.

Developing a positive body image and self-esteem as a child is often a difficult job (we all remember those days). With a very “thin is in” media presence, young girls in particular are often infused with the knowledge that losing weight and being thin will fix all of the problems in their universe. They are prime candidates for an eating disorder. When they are introduced to information praising the benefits of anorexia and bulimia, and the information is so readily available, it seems like the perfect fix in their developing minds.

By the time that parents realize what is happening, the child is already caught in their ED cycle.

I am not yet a mother, but if I were, I would be terrified at the thought of my child having access to information of this sort. I feel that parents should be aware that these pro-eating disorder websites still exist, and that the risk is even higher now with the added complexity of Twitter. Parents should monitor their children’s computer and cell phone activity for access to websites and Tweeting of this sort.

As with any other disease, prevention is key with eating disorders, but early detection is the next best thing.

——

* Have you joined my Facebook Group yet?

* Looking for my eBook?

* Everyone loves a giveaway!

* Have you seen my body image project?

Well, in case I haven’t, I just wanted you to know…

Running is hard for me.

Not the mental “get out there and run” part; that is the easiest component for me.

The physical aspect of running is so challenging for me that sometimes I wonder if my body was even built to move any faster than 4 miles per hour.  I am just not built for this sport.

I’m fairly short and thick.  My calves are the diameter of a 3 year old’s waist.

I’ve had asthma since I was in elementary school, and I refuse to use steroidal inhalers because they geek me out.

And I’m dense.  Very, very dense.

Fast twitch muscles?  Pffffttt…WHAT fast twitch muscles?

While I was slogging along with my friend, James on Sunday’s long run (10 miles), I said the following (strictly paraphrased, because who can really remember what they said 2 days ago while suffering from heat stroke and asthmatic delirium?):

“James, I’m sorry I’m so useless today.  I’ve decided that I’m just really not built for running.”

“You know…I’m built more for dead-lifting, or wrestling.  Yeah…I’d be an awesome wrestler.”

He replied that he was built for ceramic-making or competitive pizza eating.  Or something like that.  But, it was a long run, and I’m probably mixing up the details and timeline of our conversation.

The point is that on Sunday, I came to a strong realization between asthma attacks.

I am never going to be any better than I am today.

Oh, sure.  I might get a little faster on my short runs, or I might get better at certain aspects of my runs (hills, tempo, endurance).  But I am never going to really be any faster, and I don’t think that running is ever going to get any easier.

On one hand, this upsets me.  Everyone wants to get better at something that they spend so much time and energy doing.  I don’t really like sucking at running.

On the other hand, I can’t honestly say that I’d even continue running if it were easy.  I never take the easy way out.

“Easy” bores me.

I failed math the entire way through school, and now I’m an accountant.  Somehow I took the one thing that I sucked the worst at, and made a career out of it.  And, I don’t suck at it.

I don’t know why I do that.  I think I must like the torture.

Or the challenge.

* Have you joined my Facebook Group yet?

* See how my training is going over here!

* Wonder what I’m eating?

* Everyone loves a giveaway!

Although my ultimate goal was to finish at less than an 11 minute mile pace (which I barely missed), I did finish within my personal “acceptable” goal range.

I trained hard.

I was excited.

I felt great after the race.

I was proud of myself for completing yet another milestone in my running life.

So, why did I let this picture erase every ounce of pride that I felt in myself?

And why did I let this picture wash away all of my hard work and devotion for the past 3+ months?

Oh, the joy of disordered thinking.

My red face was expected–I had just finished running 9.3 miles.  What I didn’t expect was to think that I looked like a giant hippo.  Yes, I know.  I don’t look like a giant hippo.  But, for some reason I just could not shake the negative chatter in my mind after I saw these pictures on the 2.5″ screen of my camera.

“Shit.

If I look huge on that tiny screen, just imagine what I look like in real life!”

And, the madness began.

It’s upsetting and rather humbling at the same time.  I thought that I was over my eating disorder and body image issues.  Then, I see a red-faced race photo, and immediately get geeked out about having huge unruly boobs, being about 6″ taller and 30 pounds heavier than my sister, and having flabby arms.  Then, I feel like all of my hard work (both physically and mentally) has gone down the drain.

All it takes is one comment.  One moment the night before the race, when someone looks at an old picture and says “wow, you were thinner then!”

Even if they follow up that statement with “and you looked horrible…like a bobble-head!”

It doesn’t matter.  The damage is done.  My mind is reeling.  I’m fat, I’m fat, I’m fat.  I’m fatter than I was then.  I’m ugly.  I’m fat!

Those words will haunt me for days.

Today?

My body feels awesome.  No soreness, no knee/calf/leg problems.  No post-race pains, gripes or complaints physically.

But my mind.  Oh, my mind.  My sad, mis-programmed mind.  I’m being kind to myself.  Being sensible.  Eating.  Not restricting.  Not binging.

That’s the least that I can do for myself right now.

And, because I would really hate for this entire post to be a total downer, here’s some fun…

If you want to watch me cross the finish line (which I think is a really fun feature that they do at The Boilermaker), just click here and then fast forward the video until the race clock is at 1:47:52.  Shortly thereafter, I come rolling up on the right side in my teal and white ensemble.  Please don’t miss my huge sigh of relief just after I cross the mat.  I laughed.

And, I don’t look fat.  I look hot, but I don’t look fat.

* Have you joined my Facebook Group yet?

* See how my training is going over here!

* Wonder what I’m eating?

* Everyone loves a giveaway!

What is any logical person to do?  Well, take their TRX outside, wander around the neighborhood, find a huge telephone pole, attach the TRX, and proceed to get in a suuuurious workout.

If our neighbors didn’t think we were strange before, they definitely do now.

Here is My Gazelle’s full review of the TRX Suspension Trainer, complete with sweaty hawt boy pix.  And there’s one of me.  I’m sweaty, but not hawt.  I only allowed that one picture of me to prove that the best part of the TRX is that anyone with a basic level of fitness can use this piece of equipment.  Better yet, My Gazelle and I used this together, with very few modifications.

It was quite the romantic afternoon on our TRX.

And now, My Gazelle, with the occasional picture and commentary from moi…

____________

After seeing a lot about the TRX suspension trainer on the internet, I had to see for myself what the talk was all about. I’ve been training in Street Combat (martial arts) for the last 8 months, and I’m always interested in ways to get stronger without weights.  I like to be strong but not bulky, because it makes my martial arts training more effective.  I decided to buy the TRX Force Kit. Thanks to my frugal girlfriend (who found a $30 off coupon online), I paid $179.95 for the kit.  It comes with an instructional DVD, training manual, TRX suspension trainer, door anchor, and a carrying bag.

The first workout with the TRX that I did was while watching the “Day 1” DVD workout (34 minutes long).  It was basically a leg workout with a lot of core work.  I had NEVER done a thirty-minute workout and sweated my tail off like that! The single leg squats and suspended lunges are my favorite leg exercise, and the suspended crunch is my favorite core exercise on the Day 1 program.

The Day 2 program is all upper body and core exercises, and is very challenging!  The first exercise for day 2 takes a lot of strength. It’s called the Suspended Incline Press. If you have ever done a jack knife push-up (Chinese pushup), imagine raising both legs on an incline and then trying to do a pushup. If its sounds difficult, that’s because it is!  I only can do 5 at a time without killing my shoulders and abs.

This exercise (as with most of the TRX exercises) can be modified so that they are easier at first.

The “Day 2″ workout brings with it Atomic Pushups.  This exercise is for your chest and core stabilization, and is also one of my favorite exercises. You face away from your “post ” (the structure that your TRX trainer is anchored to), place your feet in the straps, and get in a push-up position.  The exercise involves performing a standard push-up, then bringing your knees to your chest.  It’s no joke.

I have never used any type of equipment like this before, but now I’m addicted! If you’re looking for a piece of equipment that will work your entire body with every exercise, but is not too hard to install, this is it!

(”Don’t arch your back, hot stuff!”)

Huh?

(”Oh…just do that back row thing instead…”)

This one?

(”Yep, yep…that’s the one…lookin’ good…great form…wait, hold it right there…one more picture…”)

The TRX suspension trainer is amazing and you will see a difference in your overall strength if you continuously use it.  I definitely recommend the TRX, but when you first use it I suggest starting off by using the DVD in order to learn the exercises and form.

______

So, there ya have it. My Gazelle says it’s great, and I even love the thing.  I’ve used it a few times besides this impromptu neighborhood session, and I plan to add it to my weekly workout plans in addition to running and cross training.

Here’s an actual video of cool people using the TRX.  They’re better at it than us:

If anyone has any questions about the TRX, ask away!  I also have a ton more pictures, and I can post videos as well.  Ask and you shall receive!