As I was struggling to complete my injury-ravaged marathon in 2009, the only thing that got me through to the finish line was to continue telling myself,

“Just do 5 more minutes…you can do ANYTHING for 5 more minutes.”

And, when the 5 minutes was up, I’d just tell myself the same thing over again. It doesn’t really make sense logically, but something about consistently reminding myself that my condition was temporary eased my mind (and kept me from curling up in the fetal position in an alley somewhere in Baltimore city).

Now, two years later (I can’t believe it’s already been 2 years), I’m completing a different type of marathon. It’s a 9-month-long baby-growing marathon. I’m not feeling defeated by the slow expansion of my belly and body–I’m actually quite happy about the fact that after trying for so long and having so many complications, I’m finally growing a healthy baby. Maybe in reality, the “trying” part was the true marathon.

Despite my happiness, even after being ‘recovered‘ for so long, it’s still difficult to face the fact that I’m inevitably going to gain around 30 pounds between now and March. I will be heavier than I’ve ever been in my entire life. This isn’t a new fear–even before I was pregnant, I feared gaining weight during pregnancy. Now that I’m fully invested in this whole baby-growing journey, I’ve accepted that it’s just going to happen.

Now, as I’m steadily expanding, all I can think about is getting back in shape.

As in, being in better shape than I’ve ever been in. People do it all the time…they have babies, then they look hotter after the baby than they did before. My own Sista did it.

Up until the past month, all of the fitness magazines that I subscribe to have been thrown into magazine racks and stored on shelves to collect dust. As my belly expands more and more by the day, I’m pulling out more and more fitness magazines. Pouring over them, reading all of the articles, studying the recipes. As I struggled through the uncertainty of infertility, I cast my interest in fitness aside. At that time, half of me was scared that working out would jeopardize my getting and staying pregnant, and the other half of me just didn’t care. I was kind of feeling defeated at the time.

I don’t feel defeated anymore. I care again. I just can’t do much about it right now.

So, in the meantime, I have memorized every article in the new issue of Oxygen Magazine, and I’m gearing up for a serious comeback in 6 months.

I can do anything for 6 months.

[and please remind me of this post 20 pounds from now.]

p.s…Don’t  forget to enter my Wasa giveaway (and get a ridiculously yummy recipe for Chocolate Caramel Cracker Crisps in the process)!

I skipped the Cherry Blossom 10 Mile last Sunday.

I was supposed to be filling a Sugared Bakery order for a dozen mixed cupcakes (unfortunately, I realized as soon as I started baking that I had used my last 12-count cupcake container and forgot to order more. That’s another confession in itself. Sorry CookTrainEatRace).

I was launching a charity.

It was my birthday.

Excuses, excuses, excuses!

Guess what?! I just didn’t want to run it! I’m all raced out!

I have no more races scheduled during 2011, and it makes me want to jump for joy.

I’ve told you more than one time how much I’m kind of over the whole “running/jogging” thing. I’ve also told you that I’m going to be moving on to bigger, better, more exciting (for me) things. Now, I just need to make the whole “bigger, better, more exciting” part happen.

I’m tired.

I’m trying to keep it all together, but it’s not working very well.

Send help. Or wine.

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In case you missed it, yesterday was the official launch of the Blogging For A Change Rally For Japan. We’re (me, Jen, Jasmine & Bella) raising money to donate to The American Red Cross for disaster relief in Japan. The response yesterday was tremendous, and I’m extremely proud to say that I’m part of such a rich community of bloggers. The way that everyone in the community pulls together is amazing.

If you haven’t visited our Rally For Japan site, please do. Companies like Polar, Amy’s, Bondi Band, Avon, and about 40 others have donated some amazing products for us to give away to you. Everyone gets one free entry for each item, and additional entries can be purchased for a small (or large) donation. Additional entries start at $2!

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Through the launch of Letters To My Body, a lot of things regarding body image, self-esteem, and eating disorder recovery have been kicked up for me personally.  I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the fact that I try very hard to keep my recovery and resulting “issues” off of Jogger’s Life.

Why do I keep these things off of Jogger’s Life?

Truthfully, there is no other place that I’m venting these issues, other than in my own personal journal.  Letters To My Body is not set up as a place for me to personally blog about these things–it is a place that I’ve specifically set up for others.

The fact that I am a recovered bulimic is a very real and alive part of myself.  To ignore the fact that I face issues on a daily basis where this is concerned makes me feel like I’m sort of being a sham.

And, it bothers me.

So, I’m not going to let it bother me anymore.  I’m just going to put it all out there, and hopefully all of you will follow along with me still.  There are things that I either feel very strongly about or I’ve had to deal with over the past year, but haven’t been voicing them.  It’s really my own fault…I just don’t  want to alienate anyone.

But, I gotta keep it real, and I have to go with my gut.  In an effort to metaphorically purge these thoughts from my mind…

Top 10 list of things that I’ve wanted to tell you, but haven’t:

1. I’m terrified of the weight that I’ll gain when I become pregnant (my stomach actually just had butterflies when I typed that because it’s so scary to admit).
2. I want to get back into bodybuilding, and fulfill some of my dreams in that area, but I’m afraid that I’ll become obsessed with food and calories again.
3. I still get scared and anxious when I’m faced with a “buffet” style meal.
4. I had an anxiety attack at The Healthy Living Summit when I saw my options for Saturday’s lunch.  I felt like there was nothing I could eat, and I had that “spinning out of control” feeling that I haven’t had in ages.
5. I am not ashamed to talk to anyone about my eating disorder.  Immediately after I had the incident mentioned in #4, I sat down at a table full of strangers and proceeded to tell them about my history of eating disorders.   This probably freaked some people out, but it helped me get over the moment I had just had (when faced with the endless lunch meat options).  P.s…I hated lunch meat even before I stopped eating meat.
6. During treatment, I stopped reading all magazines.  I only recently started reading magazines again, and I don’t enjoy them now as much as I did in the past.  They have brought up a lot of concerns since I started reading them again.
7. I did not read any books specifically about eating disorders before or during my treatment.  I started reading books about eating disorders over the past 6 months.  This has been a very enlightening experience post-recovery.
8. The fact that young people are commiserating regarding eating disorders and encouraging and supporting each other to fast through Twitter breaks my heart on a daily basis.
9. I still hate my stomach, and I still compare myself to other women all the time.  I hate that fact.
10. I am happy to have stopped the negative behaviors that I was practicing related to my eating disorder, but sometimes I miss the “feeling” of losing weight.

There.  It’s all out.  This commences my blogging purge.

You can all proceed to delete your subscription now!

* Have you joined my Facebook Group yet?

* See how my training is going over here!

* Wonder what I’m eating?

* Everyone loves a giveaway!