I can deal with that.

The alternative of  just allowing all of these thoughts the opportunity to swirl through my mind without venting them would probably be more damaging than any potential outcome of EXPOSING myself.

So.

I give you this.  MY version of “EXPOSED”.  The very thought of hitting “publish” on this post makes my heart beat fast.  Makes me have a severe case of sweaty pits.  Makes me all shaky.

(Maybe that’s the coffee I just drank in preparation for this post.)

In all of my “recovered” glory, I’ve still been relying upon the same 3 bathing suits for the past 5-6 years.  I can also count on 1 hand the number of times that I’ve worn said bathing suits outside of the comfort of my own family.  Like many women, I have a bathing suit complex (BSC?).  I’ve been considering for the past few months (with vacation and honeymoon fast-approaching) that this is one hurdle that I have not jumped over yet.

I didn’t even approach the hurdle, run into it and knock it over.  I’ve just avoided it altogether.

OH, bathing suits!  ***shudder***!

As I have in the past, I started to feel like a sham again.  I just really hate that feeling, and I have to purge it.

When I went to Everything But Water last night, I didn’t really plan on buying a bathing suit.  I didn’t think I’d be trying on 643 bathing suits.  In addition, I didn’t think that I’d be ultimately modeling these bathing suits for the whole world to see.  The pictures that I took were for my own use, and also to allow My Gazelle to have a vote in the process.

(I know that I shouldn’t care what he thinks, but sometimes we need the opinion of someone other than the girl who is earning a commission on our purchase.  Ya know?)

Also on the list of “I didn’t think’s” is the fact that I didn’t think that I would be free of self-doubt while trying on all of those suits.  I anticipated at least one dressing room meltdown.  But, it didn’t happen.

Oh sure, there were things that didn’t look right on me…but there was no self-loathing or body blocking going on.

Although, I did consider the fact that a touch of Lipo would do wonders for my back fat.

See how that works?

Back fat.  I just told you that I have back fat.  I’ve spent my life trying to deny the fact that I have back fat, and here I am…telling everyone.  The strange thing about the whole “trying on 983 bathing suits” process for me is that last night, I was in the moment and I escaped fairly unscathed.

However, today I want to start a crash diet immediately.

See how THAT works?

It’s evil, this brain of mine.

The only logical (is any of this really ?!LOGICAL!?) way for me to purge myself of this negativity is to just throw it out there into the universe.  I’m giving it to the universe because I just don’t want it anymore.

This morning when I made the  decision to become an out-of-work bikini model, I also considered only showing you the “good” pictures.  However, this would not really be truly EXPOSED, and I would not really be PURGING myself of this negativity if I didn’t show you the good, the bad, and the back fat.

I could sit here and tell you all types of tree-hugger-save-the-world-with-my-blog-post reasons why I’m going to hit “publish” on this post, but really…truly…it’s about me, people.  It’s about being able to have the balls to let everyone see me in my most EXPOSED sense (PG-Rated anyway), and not feel like I’m inferior to anyone who is seeing me in all of my bikini’ed glory.

I don’t HAVE to fit “YOUR” cookie-cutter molded version of what “YOU” think I should look like in this bikini.  Because your vision is impaired by your own insecurity.  Stop projecting on me.

Because I’m pretty fu@k!ng awesome.  Back fat and all.

* Have you joined my Facebook Group yet?

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*Check out my body image project!

In anticipation of this four year mark, I’ve been very thoughtful lately about my past, where I’ve been, how I arrived there, and how I have come to the place where I am now. And where is this ‘place’ that I’m talking about?

The place is happiness.

The place is peace.

It is a place filled with the knowledge that I don’t need to obsess about every morsel that passes my lips, and the confidence to know the difference between hunger and pain (or hurt or boredom or anxiety).

It is also a place where I trust in my own body to tell me what it needs, and have the ability to forgive myself in advance for any over-indulgences that may occur on occasion.

I no longer live in a state of instability and chaos (inevitably dictated by the number on the scale each morning). Oh, what a total relief THAT is!

Above all, I’m coming from a place of love, kindness, and compassion.

This place was not discovered easily. It took a lot of work, self-doubt and determination. In all truth, much of the time, I faked it till I made it. It’s still not easy at times, and I have my own personal struggles just as anyone with past (or present) disordered eating does. However, the bottom line is this…

PHEW!! I MADE IT!!

This fact makes me no better or worse than anyone else out in the universe. All it means is that I have mostly conquered my challenges, learned the tools to cope in a more positive fashion, and shifted my focus to the things that really matter to me.  And, you can trust in the fact that I still have my struggles.  Oh boy, do I ever!

Clearly, I’m still learning. Isn’t that what life is all about though?

I am learning all the time. The tombstone will be my diploma.  ~Eartha Kitt

The important thing is that I’m not acting out negatively as a result of my challenges.  I have built a very nice support system in my friends and family, and I have been blessed with a future husband who looks at my past history with ED as a minor speed bump.  Sometimes, I wonder why he doesn’t worry about the possibility of a relapse on my part; I know I’m strong most of the time, but how does he know that I’m strong too?  When I feel so weak at times, how can he still have faith in my recovery?

In truth, knowing the fact that he believes in me and my recovery is what gets me through many of these difficult times.  The knowledge that relapse would not only let me down on a personal level, but it would also let him down (and inevitably damage the dynamic of our relationship).  This is just not a sacrifice that I’m willing to make.

Along with the other supporters in my life, he has taught me that without a solid foundation, you cannot stand tall.  Sometimes my support comes from my blog friends, twitter friends, family, and real-life friends…but the point is that I can’t always do everything on my own.

With that in mind, I have spent the past year  seeking out ways that I could help other people who are already in a state of recovery, or those who are trying to ultimately reach a decision to enter recovery.  I’ve reached out to struggling people individually through Facebook, Twitter, email, and blog comments.  I created Letters To My Body as a way for people to submit anonymous ‘Dear Body’ letters.  All of my efforts have been met with mixed success, as anything in life is.  The one thing that is certain is that I’ve developed some very solid relationships on the basis of ED recovery, and helped out where I could.

And I have again reinforced the fact in my mind that we are only as strong as our support team.

I decided that I needed a more structured way to reach out and help others in their path to recovery.  I want to make a difference in another person’s life the way that my support team made a difference in mine.

I made a connection with Shannon Cutts through Facebook.  Shannon is an ED survivor, and wrote the book Beating Ana: How to Outsmart Your Eating Disorder and Take Your Life Back.  I read several books while I was in treatment, and I recently read Shannon’s book with a totally different mindset, since I’m recovered at this point.  This book was as helpful as a recovered person as it probably would’ve been when my ED was in full swing.  I highly recommend this book, not just for people who are diagnosed with an eating disorder, but also for those who struggle with disordered eating in general.

After connecting with Shannon on Facebook, I learned that she has started her own network of eating disorder resources, including a mentorConnect program  that allows recovered individuals to act as mentors to those who are still in recovery.

I decided to join the program, and I am so excited and proud.  I have made it to a point in my life where I can be a mentor to someone else who is in the same situation as I was in for so long.  Although I have technically been recovered for quite some time, this feels like a milestone…as if it officially seals the deal.

I am recovered, and it feels great!

* Have you joined my Facebook Group yet?

* See how my training is going over here!

* Looking for my eBook?

*Check out my body image project!

I think I just put a lot of pressure on myself to always be “recovered”.  This label seems so finite and clear, but I’m realizing and accepting that it’s really not that simple.  Just because I don’t act out negatively on the anxiety I still feel at times about food and body image doesn’t mean that the thoughts don’t exist.

I’m sure you’ll hear more about this in the future.

Secondly, there is still time to submit your soup recipe to be entered into my MaraNatha giveaway!  I’ve decided to dedicate all of next week (post-marathon) to actually creating these recipes.  And, since I’ve had a few requests, after putting my own love into the recipes, I will publish them as an eBook!

If you’d like to be included in the initial distribution of the Soup Lovers eBook, please go to my homepage and enter your email address in the top left box to be added to my newsletter and eBook list (I promise not to spam you, that’s not my thing).  I’m hoping to make eBooks more of a staple around here as my schedule allows.

Did you see yesterday’s Letter To My Body?  The letter was written by an incredible life coach, Andrea Owen.  This proves the fact that even the experts have (or have had) body issues.  Nobody is immune.

**This concludes the ‘housekeeping’ portion of today’s post**

Now, I’d like to talk about chapped lips.

Last night, it happened.  I ran nearly 8 miles.  No knee pain.  No shin pain.  No calf pain.  Slight hip pain, but I can deal with that.

Despite all of the lack of pain in my extremities, my fricking lips were killing me!

The weather has started to get a little crisp here in the northeast, and although I love the Fall, I hate the effects of fall weather on my skin!  By the time I returned home from my run (blissful, I might add), the combination of dry air and sweat had my lips burning and chapped.

According to the Mayo Clinic website, the causes of chapped lips are as follows:

• Exposure to wind, sun, or cold, dry air (yep, nope, yep, yep)
• Breathing with an open mouth (a.k.a. “gasping for air with an open mouth”)
• Licking your lips (most def)
• Dehydration (oh heck yeah)

So, as you can see, I’m destined to have chapped lips.  I sweat profusely, I lick my lips constantly, I don’t drink enough water, I love the cold air…so, what’s a girl to do??

According to Wikipedia, there are several home remedies for chapped lips (since I’m not too keen on medication-type remedies):

1) Honey has antibacterial properties which can help heal and soothe chapped lips.

2) Nasal sebum may also be used as a remedy.

3) Coconut oil or butter is also an effective remedy that has been used in ancient India for many centuri.

Has anyone tried any of these remedies for chapped lips, or do you have a better remedy?

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* Wonder what I’m eating?

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