It’s been a long time since I’ve confessed anything to you guys, so it’s only right that I make today’s post a confession.  Also, since I didn’t have time to make any cupcakes this week, I needed something to distract you with.

Did I mention that we’re leaving tomorrow at the crack of dawn to drive to Myrtle Beach for the Bi-Lo 1/2 Marathon?  That’s 8 fine hours of driving, with two men in the car who will likely decide when we get to stop and pee. Needless to say, I’m bringing a fully-charged iPad, and I’m not drinking any fluids tonight after 7PM.

Moving along.

I joined Weight Watchers 3 weeks ago.

I did it because I basically want to be Jennifer Hudson.

I admit it.  I’m impressionable, and I’m always a sucker for a good marketing ploy.  I ate kombucha.  I begged my Mom for Cabbage Patch Kids.  Heck…everything I do is probably the result of something else that I saw someone else do.  I’m human. That’s kind of how we humans operate, even if we don’t want to admit it.

But I didn’t even put up a fight on this one. Jennifer Hudson is an amazing spokesperson for Weight Watchers.  She looks vibrant.  Happy.  Rejuvenated.  Sexy.  Comfortable in her skin.  I want that.

I’m no stranger to Weight Watchers.  I jumped on board back in my days of ‘binge, purge, binge, starve, diet, repeat’, when the program was slightly different.  I also did Richard Simmons’ Deal-A-Meal (yes, that’s a confession within a confession), The Zone Diet, The South Beach Diet, Atkins, The Grapefruit Diet, the Mayo Clinic Diet…shall I go on?

I’ve tried them all.

So what, right?  Everyone is on a diet, right?  What makes this such a confession for me is because I am the self-proclaimed diet hater.  Diet Schmiet.  I swore off diets entirely after I “graduated” from treatment for my eating disorder.  I was a staunch intuitive-eater with a negative perspective on how and why people go on “diets”.

Here’s the thing though…over the past 2 years, I’ve likely put on and taken off the same 10-15 pounds at least 6 times.  It’s kind of like my “normal”.  Gain it, lose it, gain it again. One of my friends mentioned a few months ago that she couldn’t believe how “easy” it is for me to fluctuate so much with my weight.  It was kind of a rude awakening, but she was right.

The ever-increasing discomfort I experienced while wearing my favorite pair of jeans was the proof.

Admittedly, I put on some weight while we were dealing with our loss at the end of last year.  I had a much more difficult time coping with that scenario than I originally thought I would.  I guess we never know how we’ll handle a situation until we’re thrown in it.  It was just easier to resort back to my old coping methods than to figure out how to get through the pain.

Up until recently, I wasn’t really even working out regularly.  I was just ‘getting by’ with the training runs that I needed in order to be prepared for my race this weekend.  I knew that I needed to make a change, I just couldn’t find the will to do it.  I knew that losing weight wouldn’t make all of my “problems” go away, but I did know that it would help me get into the right frame of mind to get my mojo back.

And then Jennifer Hudson spoke to me.

“Lighter and liberated”?!

Yes, please.

I toyed around with the idea of going on a “diet” for the past few months. I knew that all I needed to really do is revisit my intuitive eating skills, but honestly…it’s difficult. It’s difficult to listen, and it’s difficult to honor yourself when eating intuitively. It’s difficult to stop eating when you know you should, since your brain is screaming at you to keep on chugging.

I needed something a little more structured. After doing some research about Weight Watchers new PointsPlus plan, I felt like it was something that I could get on board with. I’d still be eating the foods that I want to eat, but I’d be eating them a little more mindfully, keeping the appropriate portions in mind.

Structure. The very thing that I ran away from a few years ago was the thing I ran towards in this case (much faster than I could ever run in real life, of course).

So, for right now, at this moment, Weight Watchers feels right. I’m not restricting. I’m not binging or purging. I’m eating the foods I want, in reasonable portions, and I’m enjoying it. It’s working for me. My initial fear about going on a “diet” (and the reason I put this decision off) was because I didn’t want to become obsessed with dieting again. I just don’t have the time or energy for that.

I clearly have other things to obsess about right now.

So, what do you think? Am I a sell-out because I’m on a “diet” now?

February 26th will mark my 4th year in recovery from my eating disorder. Four YEARS! Can you believe it?

In anticipation of this four year mark, I’ve been very thoughtful lately about my past, where I’ve been, how I arrived there, and how I have come to the place where I am now. And where is this ‘place’ that I’m talking about?

The place is happiness.

The place is peace.

It is a place filled with the knowledge that I don’t need to obsess about every morsel that passes my lips, and the confidence to know the difference between hunger and pain (or hurt or boredom or anxiety).

It is also a place where I trust in my own body to tell me what it needs, and have the ability to forgive myself in advance for any over-indulgences that may occur on occasion.

I no longer live in a state of instability and chaos (inevitably dictated by the number on the scale each morning). Oh, what a total relief THAT is!

Above all, I’m coming from a place of love, kindness, and compassion.

This place was not discovered easily. It took a lot of work, self-doubt and determination. In all truth, much of the time, I faked it till I made it. It’s still not easy at times, and I have my own personal struggles just as anyone with past (or present) disordered eating does. However, the bottom line is this…

PHEW!! I MADE IT!!

This fact makes me no better or worse than anyone else out in the universe. All it means is that I have mostly conquered my challenges, learned the tools to cope in a more positive fashion, and shifted my focus to the things that really matter to me.  And, you can trust in the fact that I still have my struggles.  Oh boy, do I ever!

Clearly, I’m still learning. Isn’t that what life is all about though?

I am learning all the time. The tombstone will be my diploma.  ~Eartha Kitt

The important thing is that I’m not acting out negatively as a result of my challenges.  I have built a very nice support system in my friends and family, and I have been blessed with a future husband who looks at my past history with ED as a minor speed bump.  Sometimes, I wonder why he doesn’t worry about the possibility of a relapse on my part; I know I’m strong most of the time, but how does he know that I’m strong too?  When I feel so weak at times, how can he still have faith in my recovery?

In truth, knowing the fact that he believes in me and my recovery is what gets me through many of these difficult times.  The knowledge that relapse would not only let me down on a personal level, but it would also let him down (and inevitably damage the dynamic of our relationship).  This is just not a sacrifice that I’m willing to make.

Along with the other supporters in my life, he has taught me that without a solid foundation, you cannot stand tall.  Sometimes my support comes from my blog friends, twitter friends, family, and real-life friends…but the point is that I can’t always do everything on my own.

With that in mind, I have spent the past year  seeking out ways that I could help other people who are already in a state of recovery, or those who are trying to ultimately reach a decision to enter recovery.  I’ve reached out to struggling people individually through Facebook, Twitter, email, and blog comments.  I created Letters To My Body as a way for people to submit anonymous ‘Dear Body’ letters.  All of my efforts have been met with mixed success, as anything in life is.  The one thing that is certain is that I’ve developed some very solid relationships on the basis of ED recovery, and helped out where I could.

And I have again reinforced the fact in my mind that we are only as strong as our support team.

I decided that I needed a more structured way to reach out and help others in their path to recovery.  I want to make a difference in another person’s life the way that my support team made a difference in mine.

I made a connection with Shannon Cutts through Facebook.  Shannon is an ED survivor, and wrote the book Beating Ana: How to Outsmart Your Eating Disorder and Take Your Life Back.  I read several books while I was in treatment, and I recently read Shannon’s book with a totally different mindset, since I’m recovered at this point.  This book was as helpful as a recovered person as it probably would’ve been when my ED was in full swing.  I highly recommend this book, not just for people who are diagnosed with an eating disorder, but also for those who struggle with disordered eating in general.

After connecting with Shannon on Facebook, I learned that she has started her own network of eating disorder resources, including a mentorConnect program  that allows recovered individuals to act as mentors to those who are still in recovery.

I decided to join the program, and I am so excited and proud.  I have made it to a point in my life where I can be a mentor to someone else who is in the same situation as I was in for so long.  Although I have technically been recovered for quite some time, this feels like a milestone…as if it officially seals the deal.

I am recovered, and it feels great!

* Have you joined my Facebook Group yet?

* See how my training is going over here!

* Looking for my eBook?

*Check out my body image project!

I haven’t stopped smiling since I received this email on Sunday.  No failed boy’s birthday or bout of bursitis could quell my mood.  MizFit offered me a guest-post slot on her site, and I am so stoked!

I love the woman.  I love what she does for healing body image issues, promoting positive lifestyle changes, and I love her tattoos.  I have almost as many, so I can relate.

I gotta keep it real.  After submitting my post to MizFit, I didn’t hear from her for some time.  I obsessed on the reasons why she didn’t want to feature my post, and had anxiety about my horrible writing skills.  Alas, she is just a busy woman, and I am impatient.  Silly me!

I am excited that she decided to use my post, because it concerns body image, eating disorders, and children.  Three of my hot buttons.  Three things that everyone should be aware of.  Three things that are evolving everyday, and people should know.

So, you can go to MizFit’s (awesome) site to read the post there, or just keep reading…

———-

In the U.S., it is estimated that approximately 11 million males and females struggle with the devastating effects of anorexia and bulimia. Another 25 million suffer from binge eating disorder. According to The Alliance for Eating Disorders Awareness, the incidence of eating disorders has doubled since the 1960s, and is increasing in younger age groups—occurring in children as young as seven. Eating disorders often begin during adolescence, and can be related to depression, substance abuse, and suicide.

A few days ago, I reached out to MizFit to discuss this very issue with her.

The topic is fresh on my mind because not only did I begin suffering with bulimia and anorexia at the age of 15, but I have also been doing some research in this area for my website. The conclusion I’ve reached: I am terrified by the number of young people (as well as adults) who are suffering from this spectrum of disorders. I may have been viewing the universe through rose-colored glasses after my own recovery two years ago, but it seems like the epidemic has only become worse.

In the early to mid-2000’s, there was much talk about “pro-ana” websites. I must admit that those are the very websites that helped me become a better Disordered Eater. I learned how to further sharpen my starving, binging, purging, and obsessive exercising skills. I learned about ketosis, and the 2,4,6,8 diet. I learned things that probably helped land me in treatment faster, because it was at that point that I became a “better” Disordered Eater. I also became a sicker person, both mentally and physically.

Parents soon found out about these websites that promoted and taught the principles of eating disorders, and the internet police started cracking down on them. There are still a slew of “pro-ana” websites out there, but individuals need to be invited in. At that point, they can enter the site for endless “thinspiration”. So, the websites still exist, but they screen out the wannarexics, so you just have to be a “better” anorexic or bulimic to join.

The latest trend in Eating Disorder growth seems to be on Twitter. Do you know what your child is Tweeting about? Do the people your children follow encourage low self-esteem and poor body image? Do you child’s Twitter friends talk about ‘GW’ (goal weight), ‘HW’ (high weigh), and state their measurements on their Twitter bio? This is a problem.

Your child could very well be Tweeting for support with their starvation diet, or asking for tips on where to begin their journey through Eating Disorder Hell. Young people latch onto more experienced “professionals”, and they learn the tricks of the trade.

Developing a positive body image and self-esteem as a child is often a difficult job (we all remember those days). With a very “thin is in” media presence, young girls in particular are often infused with the knowledge that losing weight and being thin will fix all of the problems in their universe. They are prime candidates for an eating disorder. When they are introduced to information praising the benefits of anorexia and bulimia, and the information is so readily available, it seems like the perfect fix in their developing minds.

By the time that parents realize what is happening, the child is already caught in their ED cycle.

I am not yet a mother, but if I were, I would be terrified at the thought of my child having access to information of this sort. I feel that parents should be aware that these pro-eating disorder websites still exist, and that the risk is even higher now with the added complexity of Twitter. Parents should monitor their children’s computer and cell phone activity for access to websites and Tweeting of this sort.

As with any other disease, prevention is key with eating disorders, but early detection is the next best thing.

——

* Have you joined my Facebook Group yet?

* Looking for my eBook?

* Everyone loves a giveaway!

* Have you seen my body image project?

Those of you who have been reading for a while know that issues of body and mind are very close to my heart. Growing up as an overweight child, then turning into a teenager with an eating disorder was very taxing on my self-esteem and body image. Jogger’s Life gives me an opportunity to vent about my everyday life, and share my training and love for lifestyle balance. As much as I would sometimes love to, I try not to use Jogger’s Life as a vehicle to discuss eating disorders, body image, self-esteem, and the general issues that people have with these things.

That’s just not what Jogger’s Life was ever intended to be.

However, I do have an inexplicable passion to bring to light the issues that people have with these things. All too often, things are swept under the rug because they are uncomfortable or difficult to deal with. Body image ideals, self-esteem, weight, eating disorders, self-loathing…these are all things that people aren’t comfortable talking about during the course of a normal day. They’re just too “heavy” for everyday conversation. Most of us are left to just internalize these things.

I wanted to give others the opportunity to freely and anonymously face these issues personally, with no risk of backlash or feelings of shame or guilt. To accomplish this, I decided to launch a new website:

www.letterstomybody.com

The premise is simple. I’ve set up the website to act as an anonymous, safe, guilt, and shame-free way to write a letter to your body. The positive or negative–anything that you want to write. After you write your letter, just anonymously mail it to the Post Office Box that I’ve set up specifically for the website. Letters can also be submitted through the “write yours” tab on the website as well. Upon receipt, it will be posted on the website. This gives participants the opportunity to honestly vent with no risk of any repercussions, and it gives readers the ability to identify with your feelings and know that they are not alone.

I have seen some bloggers write letters to their bodies and then post the letter on their own sites, but I felt that it would be very beneficial for a larger audience to see these letters. In addition, writing a letter of this sort is much less intimidating if nobody knows who you are.

People (women especially) are so critical of their own bodies and we’re so hard on ourselves. We are constantly comparing ourselves to others, and I think it will be cathartic not only for those who are writing the letters, but also for the readers to see and identify with the letters. I think we’ll find that we all have some degree of the same feelings toward our bodies!

Initially, I was going to remain anonymous on the site as well, but it didn’t feel like the right thing to do. I’m sure that people would wonder who was maintaining the site, and why it was set it up in the first place. I can’t say that I would send my own letter without knowing that it was going to be well taken care of by someone who was dedicated to the site. I am also in the hopes that by not being anonymous, those of you who already know me will reach out and contribute to the site; the site can only be as strong as the letters that are posted on it.

If anyone has questions or feedback about the site (positive OR negative), please let me know.

If you’d like to send your own anonymous letter to be posted on the Letters To My Body website, you can email it to letters at letterstomybody dot com, click here for the “write yours” form, or mail it to:

Letters To My Body
P.O. Box 1651
Laurel, MD 20725

I hope you will add the feed to your reader, and also participate in this project, as is very near and dear to my heart. It is very important to me, and I think that it has the potential to help others–which is all that I really want.

Update 9/28/09:  The site officially launched on September 20th, 2009, and I have already “met” so many amazing people through the website, Twitter, and Facebook.  The fact that people have been so receptive to the site as well as the concept itself has been very heartwarming.  I hope that everyone continues to submit their letters so that together we can all raise awareness about the issues that we face concerning body image, self-esteem, and eating disorders.

I completed The Boilermaker 15K on Sunday!

Although my ultimate goal was to finish at less than an 11 minute mile pace (which I barely missed), I did finish within my personal “acceptable” goal range.

I trained hard.

I was excited.

I felt great after the race.

I was proud of myself for completing yet another milestone in my running life.

So, why did I let this picture erase every ounce of pride that I felt in myself?

And why did I let this picture wash away all of my hard work and devotion for the past 3+ months?

Oh, the joy of disordered thinking.

My red face was expected–I had just finished running 9.3 miles.  What I didn’t expect was to think that I looked like a giant hippo.  Yes, I know.  I don’t look like a giant hippo.  But, for some reason I just could not shake the negative chatter in my mind after I saw these pictures on the 2.5″ screen of my camera.

“Shit.

If I look huge on that tiny screen, just imagine what I look like in real life!”

And, the madness began.

It’s upsetting and rather humbling at the same time.  I thought that I was over my eating disorder and body image issues.  Then, I see a red-faced race photo, and immediately get geeked out about having huge unruly boobs, being about 6″ taller and 30 pounds heavier than my sister, and having flabby arms.  Then, I feel like all of my hard work (both physically and mentally) has gone down the drain.

All it takes is one comment.  One moment the night before the race, when someone looks at an old picture and says “wow, you were thinner then!”

Even if they follow up that statement with “and you looked horrible…like a bobble-head!”

It doesn’t matter.  The damage is done.  My mind is reeling.  I’m fat, I’m fat, I’m fat.  I’m fatter than I was then.  I’m ugly.  I’m fat!

Those words will haunt me for days.

Today?

My body feels awesome.  No soreness, no knee/calf/leg problems.  No post-race pains, gripes or complaints physically.

But my mind.  Oh, my mind.  My sad, mis-programmed mind.  I’m being kind to myself.  Being sensible.  Eating.  Not restricting.  Not binging.

That’s the least that I can do for myself right now.

And, because I would really hate for this entire post to be a total downer, here’s some fun…

If you want to watch me cross the finish line (which I think is a really fun feature that they do at The Boilermaker), just click here and then fast forward the video until the race clock is at 1:47:52.  Shortly thereafter, I come rolling up on the right side in my teal and white ensemble.  Please don’t miss my huge sigh of relief just after I cross the mat.  I laughed.

And, I don’t look fat.  I look hot, but I don’t look fat.

* Have you joined my Facebook Group yet?

* See how my training is going over here!

* Wonder what I’m eating?

* Everyone loves a giveaway!