As a general rule, I am a positive person. Don’t get me wrong–I have my fair share of pity parties, but no matter how tough my life situation, I usually have my initial cry/scream/pity party, but then I just put on my big girl panties and move on.

Usually.

Since October, however, I have been having a difficult time even finding my big girl panties. It’s like that pair of panties that fall behind the crevice of your wall and dresser. You don’t find them until you decide to move the furniture and clean the dust bunnies from behind the furniture (which basically never happens at my house)…then you’re like,

“A ha! My big girl panties! I was wondering where they were!”

My big girl panties were misplaced months ago. So, I’ve been (figuratively of course) walking around for the past 6-8 months without wearing any panties. And I have on a skirt. A skirt with no panties. I’m sure you’re familiar with the uncomfortable ‘I’m not wearing any panties with a skirt’ feeling.

It’s a little breezy (but not in a good way).

You’re constantly on guard, waiting for your skirt to fly up (but not in a good way).

If you’re even a fraction as clumsy as I am, you’re living daily with the fear that at any given moment, you could end up on the floor/pavement/grass in a very compromising (panty-less) situation.

There is nothing good about losing your big girl panties. It’s intimidating, daunting, and personally, it makes me feel like I’ve fallen down and landed with my skirt over my head.

The past 8 months for me have been filled with a slew of losses on many levels, uncertainty, and confusion. I’ve faced rejection, grief, physical pain, and a lot of self-doubt. Mostly, this has all been a result of the trials and tribulations surrounding Operation: Baby. I’ve been hesitant to really dig into it on the blog for a couple of reasons, but mostly because I don’t know how much everyone cares to hear about my fertility.

What I’ve decided is that although you probably don’t care about my fertility, it’s really playing a huge role in my overall health and fitness (both mentally and physically). That is exactly what my whole blog is about, so why would I ignore it?  In a way, it’s just another obstacle–sort of like my IT band syndrome or bursitis. This obstacle just happens to originate in the parts that we don’t usually speak of.

When I had my original pregnancy loss last October, it created an immediate sense of fear for me. I instantly felt like I had caused the loss–it was the TRX workout that I did on Saturday…or the Spin class I attended the evening before I started having complications…or that weird stretch I did because my hamstrings were tight. I immediately blamed myself for something that remains to be completely unexplained, and something which no medical study has ever tied back to exercise, spinning, stretching, flexing, or jumping. It wasn’t my fault.

But I didn’t believe it.

So I stopped working out. Instead, I watched TV and ate.

It’s amazing how old coping mechanisms come on scene just when you need them the most! But really–I rationalized that working out had caused me the hurt, pain, and uncertainty of losing a pregnancy (and two more since then), so why would I continue doing it? Getting and staying pregnant is supposed to be easy, it was going to be easy for me, and the only factor that could have caused the problem was exercise. Of course!

(facepalm).

Of course not!

It’s taken me 8 months, but I’ve worked it out in my head. Fertility problems are so common these days, and they’re not caused by exercise. I personally have many friends who have worked out throughout their pregnancies, and gone on to have very healthy, happy babies. Hell…I ran a 10K with my friend when she was 6 months pregnant. This is not the cause of my fertility problems. In order to reinforce this in my fearful brain, I bought the book Exercising Through Your Pregnancy by James F. Clapp III. M.D., on a recommendation from my friend.

I am feeling so much more relieved after having read this book. Dr. Clapp (I’m sorry…but his name is just funny) conducted firsthand research on 250 women who exercised regularly before, during, and after pregnancy, as well as a group of 50 women who began a structured exercise program during pregnancy. As a result, he disproved all of the old myths about exercise reducing a woman’s chances of becoming pregnant, that exercise causes early miscarriage or premature labor, and that weight-bearing exercises are not good for pregnant women. It’s all a crock.

He found no proof that exercise causes miscarriage, ectopic pregnancies, congenital defects, or other placental problems.

So.

I read the book.

I started my Boilermaker Training Plan.

I had another miscarriage.

I cried.

I pulled my big girl panties out from behind my dresser.

I put them on.

I called my doctor.

I asked for help.

I made an appointment to come up with a game plan.

I took back control.

I won’t allow fear to control my health.

———-

Did you exercise throughout your pregnancy?

Have you recently had to search for your big girl panties too?

In case you didn’t get the memo, I am a little crazy.  Leading up to December 25, 2008, I had only done three 5K races in my sporadic running ‘career’.  Prior to going through treatment for my ED, I was a treadmill runner, generally only running on days when the scale told me to.

When my treatment professionals asked me to put running (and all things exercis-y) aside until my health improved, it felt like such a double-edged sword.  I didn’t want to get ‘fat’, but I also wanted to get ‘better’.  Not to mention, exercise and running were like a crutch to me.  I abused running, so I hated running.  I associated running with all things weight-loss.  But I wanted to lose weight.  But I hated running.  But I wanted to lose weight…

Fast-forward to today: Weight-loss, schmate loss.

Rewind to the year 2007: I view this as the year that I ‘reset’ my life.  I SO wish that I was blogging back then because it would have been so entertaining for everyone to witness.  I finished my ED treatment early in the year, bought my own condo, met my future husband, finalized a divorce (yes, the new man appeared before the divorce was final.  I admit it, I’m a tart), and I learned how to listen to and honor myself and my body.  I wasn’t focused on exercise or weight or even food.

I was focused on learning how to live.

And my jeans still fit me the same in January as they did in December.

It was at that point that I learned a valuable lesson about life: if I’m enjoying my life and living it to the fullest, scales and jean sizes just don’t matter.

On the other side of the coin, I realized that NOT obsessing about it did me as much good as obsessing about it did.  My ‘weight’ (whatever that is) did not change.  Obsessing about calories and exercise was a complete waste of energy for almost THIRTY years.  THIRTY. YEARS.

Then, I felt guilty for essentially WASTING 30 years of my life; consumed with myself and weight loss and dieting and calories.  I felt incredibly selfish, and I started to realize how completely narcissistic the whole thing really was.  I mean really.  Was I really so shallow that I was going to let the way I look continue to be so all-consuming in my life?

Not that the way that I look doesn’t matter to me at all, but to allow something like that to suck the life out of me felt unreasonable and illogical.

After I wallowed in self-pity for a while (not long), and felt confident that I would be able to incorporate exercise in my life as a way to FEEL better rather than LOOK better, I started working out regularly again.  I gradually started to realize that I can have fun and work out at the same time, and it was at that point that I tried running again for the 43,281st time.

This time when I tried running, I was focused on how my body felt.  This time, I was doing it for different reasons.  I felt like I was the boss of my workout (rather than letting ED control it), and running actually felt liberating for a change.

Liberated is a good feeling.

And I’m not complaining about being liberated.

The problem is that it seems like ever since that fateful Christmas Day in 2008, when My Sista convinced me (p.s…that is a link to my first blog post ever) to run The Boilermaker 15K with her in July 2009, I haven’t been able to stop signing up for stuff.

This compulsion to be a “YES-(WO)MAN” is not limited to running.  It has trickled down to all things life-related.

When the ink was barely dry on my Boilermaker 15K registration confirmation page, I signed up for the Frederick 1/2 Marathon (May, 2009), because my friend/master trainer/running coach asked me to do it.  Moments after that, I registered for the Clyde’s 10K because my friend asked me to run it with her.  Then, 47 minutes later, I signed up for The Baltimore 1/2 Marathon, because my sister asked me to.  A millisecond later, I changed my mind and mailed a check to upgrade to the full marathon.*

*(the timing of these actions may have been changed because I’m a drama queen, but the actual events are real)

In the midst of all of this impromptu race training, I was also signing up for Healthy Living Summits, part-time parenting, vacations, getting plastered and enduring embarrassing falls in ladies rooms…you know…living life (and suffering head contusions).

I went from letting my life just kind of ‘happen’ for nearly 30 years to devouring every single opportunity that presented itself.  This was a huge change for me.  You’re dealing with someone who (in my ‘past life’) was too scared to ask a waitress for ketchup.  I was afraid of everything.  And nothing.

As I was making all of these decisions that were uncharacteristic of my former self, I never batted an eyelash.  I seriously didn’t really consider the weight of the fact that I was signing up to do things that I had never imagined that I would ever do in my lifetime.  For someone who is scared to ask for ketchup, even a 15K race is a major accomplishment.

Heck.  Going to a salon to get my hair cut was a major accomplishment back in the day.

Over a two year period (2006-2007), my comfort zone was virtually widened by miles and miles.

Nowadays, I look at goal-setting and life decisions as a normal part of staying happy.  I also look at every challenge as an opportunity to learn something new about myself and my life.  For that reason, I consistently take on more than I can logically handle.  Just when I think that I’ve reached my breaking point (work, school, running, kickboxing, part-time mommying, friends, trips, vacations, freelance work), I say “YES” again, and take on even more.

[sidebar: I haven't done a shot since that aforementioned incident where I played slip-n-slide on the floor of a public restroom...**shudder**gag**]

This year, I’ve made a goal to run one 1/2 marathon (The Disney Princess 1/2 is in 17 days), two sprint triathlons (the Celebration Sprint Tri, and the IronGirl Syracuse), and a full marathon (probably the Marine Corps Marathon).  And go to FitBloggin.  And see another NKOTB concert (at The Borgata on May 28th, woo!).  And plan a wedding.  And get married.  And kickbox.  And take a honeymoon.  And work full-time.  And complete 6 more classes for school.

Do you see where this is going?

Challenge.  Constant, never-ending challenge; but I’m enjoying every moment.

p.s…can someone please point me to a reliable training source for my first triathlon (**panic**faint**cry** drool**snot**snot**)

p.s.s…this post was actually supposed to be entirely about training for my first triathlon, but it went in a completely different direction, and the triathlon training question became a p.s.  This is yet another example in the long list of ‘Proof That I am Flaky’.

* Have you joined my Facebook Group yet?

* See how my training is going over here!

* Looking for my eBook?

*Check out my body image project!

If you missed yesterday’s No Excuses Tuesday post, you really should check it out.  Go ahead, I’ll wait…

In case you don’t know what ‘No Excuses Tuesday’ is (which I wouldn’t expect you to, since I just made it up like 4.5 seconds ago), I’m going to start devoting my post every Tuesday to another fellow blogger who didn’t/doesn’t let excuses get in the way of their own personal progress.  This could include anyone who overcomes any type of challenge in order to meet their goals; whether personal, fitness, or career-related.

If you’d like to be featured on ‘No Excuses Tuesday’, or if you want to nominate someone who you think should be featured, please contact me.  p.s…There could be prizes involved!

Although I’ve set the bar very high by featuring Jen on the first ‘No Excuses Tuesday’ post, I know that there are many other bloggers out there whose stories can motivate and push us all to the next level.

So, start thinking of who you’d like to see up here on JL for the next ‘No Excuses Tuesday’!

* Have you joined my Facebook Group yet?

* See how my training is going over here!

* Looking for my eBook?

*Check out my body image project!

With my recent decision to go back to grad school, I’ve been doing a lot of self-analysis.  Dream analysis.  Goal analysis.  Talent analysis.

It’s been very scientific.

Not really.

I’ve mostly just been trying to figure out what makes me happy, what I’m passionate about, and what I could see myself doing for the rest of my life.  I envy people who are able to make a living doing things that they enjoy wholeheartedly.

This, Joggernauts (I made that up…see, clever), is how I want to feel about my job:

credit here

What?  I’m not passionate about accounting?  The career that I’ve been married to for the past ten years?  All of the sexy financial statements and budgets and number crunching?  They don’t make my heart sing with joy?

Eh.  Not so much.

It’s one of those things that I’m good at, but it just doesn’t do it for me.  Kind of like Star Jones and Al Reynolds.  Something is just off.  I didn’t realize this fact without a shadow of a doubt until I started to study and sit for my CPA exam.  My heart just wasn’t in it.  It occurred to me, after sitting for two of the sections and spending countless MONTHS of my life studying, that I did not want to be a CPA.

I didn’t want to spend the next 30-35 years of my adult life calculating depreciation of fixed assets and accounting for leases, liabilities & bonds.

Sounds fascinating, right?

credit here

Those leases, liabilities & bonds really threw me for a loop.  And accounting for stock transactions.  And the constantly changing FAR regulations.

Ugh.  I get chills just thinking about all of that.

Over the past year, I came to terms with the fact that being a CPA just wasn’t for me.  I’d much rather learn about triglycerides and genetically modified organisms than I would about auditing and attestation.

In the end, I decided that accounting is boring, but nutrition is FUN!

credit here

The problem is, in a world where we are mostly just encouraged to find a job and pay our bills, how do you step outside of the box, take a leap of faith, and pursue something you’re passionate about?  Heck, sometimes, we don’t even know what we want to do…all we know is that we’re not satisfied with what we’re doing.

I just happened upon something that I found helpful.  A little direction in the confusing world of pursuing one’s dreams.  The Short But Powerful Guide To Finding Your Passion.  As potentially mortifying as it feels to me at this very moment, I’m going to share my list of answers with you guys.  Because, well…I always keep it real, right?

Here we go.  The first four questions are things that you can answer now.  The last five are tasks that one must take on after the initial questions are answered.

Immediate Questions To Ask Yourself:

1) What are you good at?

• Listening
• Giving advice
• Making party invitations, favors, etc.
• Organizing
• Cooking
• Teaching
• Planning

2) What excites you?

• Children
• Food
• Balanced meals
• Planning parties
• Cooking
• Baking
• Feeding others

3) What do you read about?

• Cookbooks
• Journals of psychology
• Journals of holistic medicine and nutrition
• Eating disorders
• Holistic treatments
• How food affects life and health
• How to teach children healthy habits

4) What have you secretly dreamed of?

• Writing a book (for children, or how to book for adults)
• Consulting low income families on how to eat a more balanced diet
• Teaching low income families how to cook healthier
• Teaching moms how to feed their babies healthier
• Working with a holistic approach for treating disordered eaters
• Working in a holistic treatment center that incorporates diet changes for cancer sufferers

Ongoing Tasks:

5) Learn, ask, take notes…

6) Experiment, try…

7) Narrow things down…

8 ) Banish your fears…

9) Find the time…

10) How to make a living doing it…

So, there ya have it.  I love food.

Over the next 1.5-2 years of my life while I’m completing my degree, I will be working on points 5-9 in order to decide upon an area where I want to focus.  I’m leaning towards working with low income families.  It just feels right.

Now, it’s your turn.  Are there dreams that you’re not exploring?  Try answering questions 1-4 for yourself, and see what you come up with!

1) What are you good at?

2) What excites you?

3) What do you read about?

4) What have you secretly dreamed of?

And, if you are one of the chosen few who already do what you love and love what you do…well, high fives all around, because you are awesome.

* Have you joined my Facebook Group yet?

* See how my training is going over here!

* Looking for my eBook?

*Check out my body image project!