A few weeks ago, it occurred to me that I had again signed up for The Boilermaker 15K. I’m not sure why this surprised me, considering that this particular race was the impetus for starting this whole blog in the first place back in 2008. When I signed up for my first Boilermaker, I decided that it would be the one race that I would do each and every year–whether I had to run, walk, or crawl it. It’s definitely my favorite race of all time (I can say that now, because I haven’t yet ran in Scotland)!

Considering all of my recent physical and mental drama, I hadn’t really been running much since the Myrtle Beach 1/2 marathon in February.

Maybe I hadn’t been running at all since February.

My Sista even laughed at me and my lackadaisical attitude about the whole scene. Then she questioned if we came from the same parents. I think we did.

So, I needed a plan.

I decided to follow the same plan as I did the first time I ran The Boilermaker in 2009. It’s a plan that My Sista gave me (because she’s the runner in the family), and it’s a modified version of the Hal Higdon 15K plan. The plan was modified so that we could continue on with training for The Baltimore Marathon after The Boilermaker.

I’d be lying if I said that looking back on the training plan isn’t making me a little nostalgic about running The Baltimore Marathon [in which the term "running" is used very loosely, of course]. As much as I dreaded about 94% of my training, I still look back at the whole experience very fondly. It even makes me laugh now when I think about all of the hours that I spent agonizing in the blazing sun, wogging down the side of the highway, on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

Remember this image of how my training actually went down in 2009?

[p.s...In hindsight, I love that the name of this image contains the name "wonkersized".]

Good times.

So, this time around the goal has been to avoid injury. Seems like a simple, attainable goal, right? Let’s hope so.

I started training on May 30. According to My Sista, I was a little late, but I figured that since I knew I was planning to walk or run/walk the race, I’d have no problem jumping in and starting out with my first “long” at 3 miles. I knew that the most common problem that would come up with this training plan would be laziness. Lack of desire to sweat. ME. I am the problem!

But I’m also the solution.

I can’t escape my training plan.

I have a copy of it on the desktop of my computer at work, and a printed copy taped to a wall that I pass 43 times each day at home. There is no escaping “The Plan”. I’ve come to enjoy crossing the days off as I complete my workouts–it makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something. I’ve sort of always had a very lackadaisical attitude when it came to following a set training plan. I was afraid that it would cause me to become obsessed. It turns out that it doesn’t. It just makes me follow the plan (which will hopefully help me avoid injury)!

So far, I’m a little more than 1/2 way through week 3, and I’ve missed one run and one cross train. Not bad, I’ll take it. In missing those 2 workouts, I have come to realize that I’m great at rationalizing the reasons why I should skip. For the first cross training session I missed, I was visiting my family in NY, and I brought my resistance bands with me so that I could do a quick session on Saturday. Then I told myself that it would be “ok” if I missed it. So I did. Fail.

I actually missed the run last Friday because I took both Monday AND Tuesday as rest days. I did that because I just didn’t “FEEL” like running on Tuesday. By the time that Friday arrived, I also didn’t “FEEL” like running either. Lame.

Lesson learned. This week, I didn’t skip any runs, and I’m feeling good (although I do have a strange bursitis-y twinge in my left knee that I’m doctoring). Last night, I also didn’t “FEEL” like running, but I did it anyway. It helps that I can drag my treadmill out and park it directly in front of the TV while I watch Real Housewives of OC. Reality TV makes me run.

How do you make sure that you get your workouts in?

What are the excuses you typically use when you skip a workout?

I completed The Boilermaker 15K on Sunday!

Although my ultimate goal was to finish at less than an 11 minute mile pace (which I barely missed), I did finish within my personal “acceptable” goal range.

I trained hard.

I was excited.

I felt great after the race.

I was proud of myself for completing yet another milestone in my running life.

So, why did I let this picture erase every ounce of pride that I felt in myself?

And why did I let this picture wash away all of my hard work and devotion for the past 3+ months?

Oh, the joy of disordered thinking.

My red face was expected–I had just finished running 9.3 miles.  What I didn’t expect was to think that I looked like a giant hippo.  Yes, I know.  I don’t look like a giant hippo.  But, for some reason I just could not shake the negative chatter in my mind after I saw these pictures on the 2.5″ screen of my camera.

“Shit.

If I look huge on that tiny screen, just imagine what I look like in real life!”

And, the madness began.

It’s upsetting and rather humbling at the same time.  I thought that I was over my eating disorder and body image issues.  Then, I see a red-faced race photo, and immediately get geeked out about having huge unruly boobs, being about 6″ taller and 30 pounds heavier than my sister, and having flabby arms.  Then, I feel like all of my hard work (both physically and mentally) has gone down the drain.

All it takes is one comment.  One moment the night before the race, when someone looks at an old picture and says “wow, you were thinner then!”

Even if they follow up that statement with “and you looked horrible…like a bobble-head!”

It doesn’t matter.  The damage is done.  My mind is reeling.  I’m fat, I’m fat, I’m fat.  I’m fatter than I was then.  I’m ugly.  I’m fat!

Those words will haunt me for days.

Today?

My body feels awesome.  No soreness, no knee/calf/leg problems.  No post-race pains, gripes or complaints physically.

But my mind.  Oh, my mind.  My sad, mis-programmed mind.  I’m being kind to myself.  Being sensible.  Eating.  Not restricting.  Not binging.

That’s the least that I can do for myself right now.

And, because I would really hate for this entire post to be a total downer, here’s some fun…

If you want to watch me cross the finish line (which I think is a really fun feature that they do at The Boilermaker), just click here and then fast forward the video until the race clock is at 1:47:52.  Shortly thereafter, I come rolling up on the right side in my teal and white ensemble.  Please don’t miss my huge sigh of relief just after I cross the mat.  I laughed.

And, I don’t look fat.  I look hot, but I don’t look fat.

* Have you joined my Facebook Group yet?

* See how my training is going over here!

* Wonder what I’m eating?

* Everyone loves a giveaway!