About

Born and raised in Central New York, I learned to appreciate the simple things in life. Food. Family. Friends.

But mostly food!

Before I had even reached middle school, I was uncomfortably overweight. I remember worrying about being overweight when I was 8 years old, and I soon came to the conclusion that I would not “fit in” unless I was thin. What I didn’t realize at the time was that the problem wasn’t the extra 15lbs that I was carrying around. I had plenty of friends. However, at some point along the way, I had come to the illogical conclusion that people just weren’t going to love me if I was fat.

And then, “if I’m fat, nobody will love me” was born.

Shortly thereafter, “if I barf, I won’t get fat”, and “if I just fast for the next 3 months, I’ll be skinny forever” were born.

I began really fighting with my eating disorder in middle school…

I struggled with it in high school…

junior-prom

(p.s…what was I thinking with that outfit anyway?!)

And completely lost it in college…

old-school-4

I had lost all control of my own life. I was doing poorly in my studies, drinking too much alcohol, and putting myself in compromising situations. Luckily, nothing tragic happened. Beneath all of the chaos, I was hiding an extreme self-hatred and lack of confidence. I was a mess.

During my second year of college, I gained the comfort of a full-time relationship. Unfortunately, the reality of the situation started to show itself after a few months. I was “too fat” for him. Everything I ate was scrutinized, his friends called me “chubby”, and I just couldn’t make myself ‘good enough’ for him. It was at that point that I rededicated myself to “if I just fast for the next 3 months, I’ll be skinny forever”.

I eventually ditched the boyfriend, but I stuck with ED.

By my mid 20’s, I thought I had perfected the “art” which was my eating disorder…

jacked

I was miserable.

I worked out for up to 3 hours per day, counted every single calorie that passed my lips, kept a food journal, and avoided any social situations that would involve eating. I even hated visiting my family because I knew that I would have to eat when I was around them.

Did I mention that I was miserable?

Around that time, I started running as a way to shed pounds…burn calories. Everything I did was to burn calories. It was only an exercise. Sometimes, it was just a diversion from eating.

About 5 years and several health conditions later, I decided that enough was enough. Fifteen years of ED was my limit.

I wanted to have a “normal” life. Family. Children. And, my worst fear was that I would pass this horrible disorder on to my future children and ruin their lives the way that I had ruined my own for so long. Eating disorders have a tendency to carry on a legacy within a family, and I didn’t want to take credit for that.

I completed an intensive 2 year outpatient program to treat my ED. It was difficult. It was painful. It was enlightening. Sometimes I wanted to quit, but I am thankful every single day that I made the decision to battle through.

Today, I am a happy and relatively well-adjusted person. I’m pretty sure that my weight hasn’t really changed over the past 3 years. I can’t really tell you for sure, because I haven’t owned a scale since 2006. I’m OK with that. I still have struggles. I still have thoughts about my body that aren’t positive, but everyone does.

These days, jogging is something that I love just because I love it. It’s not a crutch anymore. I’m not good at it. I don’t anticipate ever being fast. I’m never going to win anything. However, I know that I’ll always finish. And that’s enough for me.

As well, eating is no longer a “project”. Eating is enjoyable. Very enjoyable. It’s likely that I have always loved food as much as I love life itself. The difference now is that I know the difference between love and obsession. No more battles. No more struggles. Just food, family, friends, and a lot of fun.

I thoroughly enjoy my life, which is now filled with more love and joy than I ever anticipated could be present. Rather than counting calories and obsessively exercising, I spend my life hanging out with my boyfriend fiance (!!)…

Cuddling with my rescued puppies…